Archive | May, 2012

Rule #24: Even underwear models have poopstreaks.

29 May

It’s hard to imagine that there could be anyone wrong with someone who looks like this:

Hello Daddy! I mean ideally, this man would rip you from reality and off into some magical land with castles and then you could bathe in the money that he makes from modeling together. However, I have noticed that men like this have been blessed with a child-like immaturity, obsession with body image and video games. Many of the reasons why we got along so well.

I fell for it. The tricks that he pulls on every girl in the whole wide world. When we met, I was with a friend. He got both of our numbers to seem nonchalant, or maybe to see if he could get with my friend if things didn’t work out with me. Men like to prey on little girls like that. He starts texting us both but continued texting me and I had to lie to my friend every time my phone buzzed because we were both under the spell of his defined abs and hulking biceps. He planned for a group of us to go see a B-rated horror film which he was raving about before and after the movie. But here is where his immaturity really shone through. My friend and I snuck away to the bathroom and while we were gone, he arranged the seating so that he was next to me on the end and my friend was sitting and snuggled between two of his bros. He couldn’t have made it more obvious that he was interested in me and wanted nothing to do with my friend. Sure he was sexy, but I have a conscience here. No one breaks my friend’s spirit that horribly. He definitely could have taken a less subtle approach, like, I dunno, not inviting her in the first place?? Alas, I was still under the spell of wonderfully defined body parts. We went to go and hang out at a mutual friends place where the douchiness escalated. He tries to pull that scary movie shit and tells me some ghost stories about his childhood and expects me to go leaping into his arms. I was still concerned about breaking it gently to my friend that I am the more desirable one in that situation. But really, she could have had one look at my ass and realized that it was no competition when it comes to chocolate men. When I didn’t go leaping into his arms after his deftly told ghost stories, he literally says to me “I’m super ticklish, don’t tickle me.” That is an invitation. Picture a muscly sculpture screaming at the top of his lungs “TICKLE ME!” Of coarse I did. He squealed like a piggy. What a character, right??

It came time that the night was winding down to an end and my friend was supposed to give me a ride home, but as we were walking out the door, he announces to her that he was going to give me a ride. So we crawl into his suped up VW 2006 Bug. Fly as a fly. After he blew me up with house music and then asked if I knew who deadmau5 was (um do you know who the Pope is?) we were finally in my driveway. He kindly walked me to my front door and asked if he could kiss me. I thought I would be coy and say no with a smile on my face. He took that as a direct no and got back in the car and scooted out of my neighborhood. And that is how you reject a male model ladies…on accident.

The most horrible thing about this story is that this wasn’t the last of him. He also pulled the ghost story, tickle me and then check out my awesome ride on my Best Friend, roommate and every girl at the club that he ever met. Apparently douche bag is the new form of steroids.

Rule #23: Only offer a threesome if you are fully aware of the consequences.

29 May

I have a personal rule that I will never offer up a threesome unless if I am the third stranger. You don’t want to deal with being jealous that the guy likes the other girl more or trying to deal with two wieners. That’s a lot of wiener. But we can debate the logistics of the ideal threesome later. This post will be delving in on the idea of offering a threesome when you are not ready. Be cautious in this situation because once a man hears the possibility of a threesome, he will stop at nothing to get his cock doubly pounded.

My girls and I had planned a double birthday party with hotel and VIP section at an exclusive club. Needless to say, we got drunker than the Irish on St. Patty’s Day. We’re at the club and for some reason the best looking guy there was a promoter so I figured that that would be a fairly safe bet to get a phone number and perhaps a date the following day. Apparently club promoters are paid to flirt with the ladies so I shamelessly flirted. Except my slutty friend flirted, too. I don’t blame her because the boy looked like Usher. Somewhere between free shots of Grey Goose from the promoter and my Best Friend singing “Confessions Pt. 2” about nine times, yes to his face, the subject of threesomes was brought up. I blame it on the fact that my slutty friend and I were both fondling him from opposite sides. We’re not the type of girl to fight over a man, so I guess we were fine with sharing. At least when we were drunk. I’ll be perfectly honest and say that I don’t remember the entire conversation on how the threesome came about, but even if the conversation didn’t happen, the idea was enforced by our actions.

The VIP section at this club was not necessarily designed for the type of dancing that we wanted to do, so we decided to jet. We danced all night and went back to the hotel to gorge ourselves on pizza. This was a girls only event. Go ahead, picture girls in panties jumping around and flinging pillows at each other with mounds of pizza rolling off of our jaws. Slobbery slices of pizza. As I was passing out, I received a text that said “threesome” from a “Rover.” I guess the promoter’s name was Rover…so much for Usher. I was obviously not prepared to follow through on the threesome, especially not with my slutty friend (even though she is awfully sexy, I don’t think I would be able to please her womanly needs) so I fell asleep. My Best Friend, however, thought that I was ready. She called him and drunkenly ranted “I would totally have a threesome with you! I want your BBC in every orifice I own and my friend’s! Come over! We’re at the Hilton! Just come down to the lobby and I’ll come and get you.” Rover thought that was my voice talking. When he called back, my best friend wakes me up to tell me that Rover was downstairs waiting for me. Sleep or awkward late night, stinky pizza drunk sex. I didn’t really have an option since my automatic response to liquor past 4am is to pass out and that I did.

So now, due to my unconventional methods of offering a threesome, I can no longer have amazing single partner sex with an Usher lookalike neither can I get free shots of Goose. If anything, I’d take the Goose because I can always flick the bean to the real Usher.

Rule #22: It is only a first date when he pays.

29 May

I have never been the type to say that women and men are not equal, but things are different on the first date. I don’t care if the lady creature is insisting and insisting about paying; the man should always pay on the first date. As far as I’m concerned there are three types of first dates, all of which it’s relatively acceptable, nay required, for the man to pay.

1. The first situation where a first date comes to mind is the stranger date. This could be with someone your friends are setting you up with, a blind date, internet date or that guy that you accidentally gave your number to at the bar and he actually called. You show up, handshake if he’s a ninny or hug if he expects to eventually get some. Order whatever you please, but be conscious about prices. Don’t get something outrageous but don’t be so conscious that you order a glass of water and a toothpick. Him buying is definitely not about the money, it’s the principle. If he’s smooth, he’ll just take the check, insert his card finish quickly and that’s that. Him paying should be like sex, quick and effortless. Because that’s how we like it ladies, right, RIGHT?? Totally kidding, but it should not be a big deal because it should be common place. If he asks you to pay, I also see him asking you to go down on him for hours or drive him everywhere since he probably doesn’t have a car. The main reason that he should pay is so that he can prove to you that he’s not a scrub. You’ve never met the guy before and how do you know that he’s not going to expect you to care for him as his mother would. I’m obviously not in the mood to have children, but if you are go for da scrub.

2. The second situation is when friends decide to bridge that awkward step into romance. I hate this kind of date, and I love dates. This has the potential to turn into a beautiful relationship, but this first step is almost worse than trying wasabi for the first time and you don’t understand how spicy it’s going to be so you put a glob on your tongue and then cry for minutes. Whenever a guy friend asks me on a date I just want to cry. Especially when I thought things were going swimmingly as friends, I just don’t understand why we have to enter the land of future broken hearts. But to humor him, I go. I always have this ideal situation in my head that all of a sudden on this date he’ll magically appear as Mr. Perfect. He already understands who I am, my needs and my sense of humor, so things should be easy from the get go, right? No. Changing from a friendship to a romantic relationship is like switching a car from first gear to fifth. It can be done, but you’re going to make a lot of noise and give it a lot of gas…unless if you kill it. I could elaborate more on this topic, but this gap is hard enough to bridge, so for the sake of God’s holy name, let him pay. At least then you have one thing that outlines this date from friends hanging out to a real live date.

3. The third first date is a reunion first date. There are probably the best. You already know the person but you have been gifted with a second chance! But still, there is probably a reason that things didn’t work out the first time around. You should make him pay simply as that reassurance to you that he is invested and he has his shit together this time around.

After the first date gets out of the way, become a sugar mama or go dutch or whatever you please, but a first date is not a first date until he pays.

Rule #21: Kindly reconsider dating the hyperfeminine fella.

28 May

He might be gay, however, that is not what this post is about. It’s about one man whose girliness I did not want to deal with.

There once was a boy who was on my softball team. Just a little intramural thing, but all of the red flags should have been rocketing. What man in his right man plays softball with girls when he could play baseball? I guess that you could say that he was doing it for the girls. He asked me out on a date.

He cleaned up his daddy’s Lexus real nice. Maybe I should have dated his father because I totally could have fucked that car. He had planned to take me to mini golf. Mini like his wiener. The date honestly would have been perfect. Beautiful outdoor course, he paid. Things were going smoothly until about the 8th hole. I’m a horrible putter, so as I was hitting the ball about a dozen times, I could see over my shoulder that he was picking flowers from the bush behind me. I was charmed because it’s a cute gesture. He walks up to me with two flowers and leans over to tenderly place one in my hair and mentioned something about a pretty flower for a pretty girl. A bit of cheesiness is tolerable. But what happened next was the deal breaker. He took the other flower that he brought over and placed it behind his ear. He wanted to match. Shit dude, if I wanted to match that much I’d be dating someone with tits.

We finished the round of golf and he drove me home. As we drove, I’m fearing that moment at the end of the date when you decide to either kiss or walk away slowly. That, and I just wanted to punch him out and drive off into the sunset with his car. But seriously. Can you still kiss like a girl if you have a beard? I’m particular to the kind of man who can sweep you off your feet, over his shoulder and slam you against a wall. In a sexy way, not as a form of torture. We parked in my driveway and he warns me to stay in the car. One of the many reasons why chivalry is dead is because woman think of gentlemen as sissies. He walks out and opens the door for me. We hugged and then I briefly turned away.

That wasn’t even the worst of it. For YEARS afterwards, YEARS, he would message me sporadically and whine about how he was so sorry that things didn’t work out between us and ask me to talk to him more. Unless if I needed someone to give me tips on the correct manicure or how I have daddy issues, I will not be calling you back flower child. Am I being too judgmental here? We had one date buddy. If there was supposed to be a follow through, there would have been. Destiny or whatever. Stop whining to me about it. Or maybe there’s a problem with stereotypes these days that says we have to be dating a man like Fabio. He’s sexy, manly and in touch with his feminine side. And he loves horses.

Image

I just need some help finding that balance between a man who I can talk with who isn’t a chick yet still turns me on. Am I asking too much? Fabio where are you?!!?

Rule #20: Never forget what the childhood version of you wanted to be.

27 May

Ninja. I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Becoming a turtle was a little out of the question and I had enough trouble kicking a soccer ball so kicking someone’s ass was always a little stretch. I tried with my brothers, but that’s another story that ends with plenty of black eyes and tattling to mommy. Sure you realize that you might not necessarily end up exactly where you thought you would, but I would still think that I’ve kept most of the same principles of my childhood goals. As a child, your goals are so pure. Keep it there.

Right now is the season of graduations about and younglings launching into the fake-real world and I do not envy them at all. Not so say that I have all of my issues figured out. I’ve graduated twice now. From high school, I moved on directly to college. I absolutely loved it. Would I have changed it? Oh totally. I would go back and take a year off to travel and then make some money so I wasn’t trapped in all these God-forsaken loans. When you graduate high school, you’re still very much a kid with hairy genitalia. Kids follow anything they’re told. Except the annoying little crapheads that I babysit. Anyways, I loved my college experience and am very happy that I went. But now that I’ve been out in the real world for a while now, I’m still constantly asking myself if I’m where I’m supposed to be. And it’s always something different. And frankly, I’m so tired of asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. Instead, I’ve started questioning who I want to become and the type of person that I want to evolve into. Maybe it is better to ask who you want to be rather than what you want to be. Who you are defines more of the “youness” than any degree or career can tell you.

Make sure that you make time for the ones you love, make love to the ones you want to make love to and do what you love. That’s it. No one really cares what you do (besides your mother who has always been nagging you to marry rich and follow in her footsteps). If you love living in sewers and climbing up to the main level to rescue hot lab assistants like April O’Neil, then fucking do it. You’ll be able to find tons of used food down there so survival is no biggie. But seriously, if you were not cut out to go to college and get that big person job and make millions of dollars to buy that nice house and car that you spend the rest of your life paying off so you can die old, then don’t follow that plan. My man (not actually my man) Micheal Dell dropped out of college, and here’s what the fuck that billionaire has to say on the topic: “As you start your journey, the first thing you should do is throw away that store-bought map and begin to draw your own.” I’ve never been much of a map drawer, but I do what I love and so far I love where that has taken me. What I really want to get down to business and say is that if you’re not happy, then change something. If you hate your job, go to school so you can get a different job. Or just get a different job. If you feel constrained by your relationship and you’re no longer happy, then move on. Life is a constantly flushing toilet bowl where there is always new shit. The people who love you will always love you as long as you stay true to yourself. Decisions to better yourself are ALWAYS understood by normal people. If someone does not understand that you are changing your life so that you can better accomplish your dreams, then they should probably consider some life changes as well. Flush that shit down.

Think of your Uncle Earl, or whatever his name is. He’s the guy who sits in his basement all day and counts his money and sometimes brings nasty food to family gatherings, like fruitcake and mustard bread. He talks about all of the things that he wants to do but he is just a basement dweller. If he would just accept that he was a basement dweller, then that would make his life so much happier. He’s living to be the true Earl. If he wanted to travel, he would have done it. No. He is indeed a basement troll and he loves it. Don’t be that. Unless if that is exactly what you want to be. If you want to be a basement dweller, you go and do that with all your heart! As for the rest of you, get out there and do something that you actually enjoy doing. Stop reading this blog.

But you didn’t stop. You didn’t stop because you love it. Enough for my own personal little egotrip.

Discover the type of person that you want to become and then your life path will work out for you in the end. It’s so hard to control…well, anything in this world. How is anyone supposed to get a decent job in this economy? And then even if they get a “decent job” who likes working the 9-5 for their entire career? Some people, that’s the answer; some people. If that’s what makes you happy, then just do it. But me, I’m going to be devoted to becoming the person that I want to be and the rest will hopefully fall into place. Also, I’ll work on my nun-chuck skills.

YOLO muthafuckas. YOLO (that’s what the kids are saying).

Rule #19: Customize your voicemail…in a very sexy way.

26 May

This is the best thing you can do when screening your calls. You meet a sexy guy at a bar, but you were plastered, so you want to seem sexy in your voicemail without actually talking to him. This way, he is still attracted to you as he invites you do dinner or wonders which is the best approach to get you alone. Either way, you want to give him the impression that you are sexy, mysterious, attainable yet unavailable. You’re now in the upper seat because he is obviously magnetized to you, now more than ever due to the sexy voicemail, but you have time to respond to whatever voicemail he leaves you and think if this guy is worth your time at all. Also, after the first date, you want to seem capable of giving multiple orgasms why still not too eager. The sexy voicemail helps with this, too. Doesn’t help with Grandma and the will however, so just make sure you answer her phone calls.

You’re probably wondering how to leave such a seductive voicemail, and I’m sure that you are fully capable of creating your own masterpiece, but here is a general outline to get you started.

I. Lower your voice by two octaves.

It’s science. Men have historically only listened to men talk during the hunt and would only meet up with woman to mate. If you speak to them at their level, they are more likely to be intrigued by what you are saying. And ladies, we have forever been complaining about how men never listen. It’s because of that rumor going around that men love to hear that baby voice. To that I must say nay nay. As a woman naturally gifted with a male post pubescent voice, I have never had a problem with men listening to me. Ok that’s a lie, but this is actual science. Look at the diagram! So yes, lower your voice ladies and you will most definitely catch their attention. If they think you’re strange, at least you now have their attention, and that is something that cannot be replaced with tender loving kisses.

II. Smoke at least a pack of cigarettes beforehand.

To relate back to the days when men would only hunt, to have the most success in the hunt, they would go for the most attainable catch. So what we need to do to catch a decent man is to make ourselves like the weakest gazelle. We need to appear sick and defenseless, and maybe even slow. The best cure that I can find for decent health is to smoke cigarettes. And meth, but I have not ventured to those heights of self-destruction yet, but feel free! Cigarettes will make you sick, weakening your defenses and you might even be a little slow if you are allowing this argument convince you to smoke cigarettes. You are very much on the long and narrow path to making yourself appear to be the perfect woman via voicemail. Sickly is key.

III. The appeal is in the words.

I don’t know how to tell you what to say without telling you what to say:

“Leave a message after the tone, then I’ll see if we can bone!”

“Sorry I missed you, I’ll suck it ’til it’s blue.”

“I think you’re sexy, perhaps you should text me.”

“Hello, if this is TreySongz, leave a message now. If this is anyone else, please hang up now.”

“I’m too busy being hot, don’t leave a message if you’re not.”

Now you should be fully equipped with everything you need to be that unavailable temptress that you NEED to portray in your voicemail. Enjoy all of the social enhancements that it brings your way.

Rule #18: If a guy asks you to watch a movie alone, expect only to watch your self-respect drain out of your perchina.

26 May

I mean, if you want an easy hook-up, take the easy hookup. And perhaps this spur of the moment, no planning or alcohol needed booty call is exactly what the doctor ordered! I’ve never been a girl to shoot another down when it comes to making reality out of sexual fantasy.  However be cautious to not let too many star penises get sucked into the blackhole of a perchina you’ve got there. Not because you shouldn’t be getting ass all the time, but that’s what a boyfriend is for and you don’t want to delve into that whole mess of a universe. Ugh, relationships. I’m getting off track.

In this whole movie situation chances are he either is too shy to make a real move and buy you a fucking dinner or he thinks your an easy lay and doesn’t want to waste money on dinner anyways. Times are tough in this economy people! If it weren’t for an inexpensive monthly payment movie alternative, some people would never get laid! Movie-togetherness time makes it so easy for attempts at baby making. Think of the ideal situation for you to pleasure one another: lights are dim, but not off (you still have to be able to check to see if the other person is up to your level of attraction and oh uh yeah to check them for ticks and rashes), a secluded room with some sensual music tuning out all the squishing noises. Now, what is the room like when you watch a movie alone together?? The movie creates the background music while creating the perfect amount of shifting light for you to check the other person out while still not worrying about your potential (but not likely) flaws. It’s the warm front to a perfect storm.

There was once a boy in my dormitory. We had been talking, you know, talking for a few weeks but nothing had come of it. Maybe the little shit couldn’t afford dinner. But he had visited me at work and diligently texted me. When he asked me to do the movie thing alone in his dorm with the lights off and the door locked, no romance happened but a lot of kissing and maybe some heavy rubbing. I say no romance because we were both just trying to get our own nut. That is not how good hookups happen. It seemed so…how you say…forced? I blame the situation. We felt that since we were watching a movie alone together we might as well be going at it. I swiftly changed my mind when I found out that he thought my clit was somewhere between my knee and panty line. Not even joking.

Now I wonder: If this is how he always hooked up with girls, by making them fall into his little trap, then how could he not learn how to please a woman? Oh yeah, probably because he doesn’t care enough to take her on a real date. If he can’t even do that, then how will he respectfully apply the proper lube??

So take it or leave it, but just know that you will be hooking up if there was any amount of flirting between the two of you beforehand.