Rule #9: Only dump when you know you will not get caught (emergencies permitting).

24 May

Pooping is not illegal by any means, but it sure is stinky. No one likes to stink. It’s embarrassing. But what I would like to know is when did it change from big poops being cool enough to show everyone to it being blasphemy to leave spin art around the toilet bowl. I distinctly remember a time when some little kid grabbed me by the hand to show me something awesome. Little did I expect to see a turd in the toilet the size of his arm. Impressive little man, very impressive.

But now if I were to drop a load like that, my womanhood would be completely under question. It is simply something that happens sometimes. What is it about aging that makes pooping so disgusting? A baby farts in your lap and you chuckle. I fart in your lap and that’s the last time I’m invited to sit on a lap. Maybe the issue is farts are disgusting and babies are cute. I could rant and rave all day about my right to doo-doo, but fact of the matter is that people don’t like the smell of it.

Unless if you constantly carry a can of scented aerosol and can find a method to keep bowl movement noises from echoing in a toilet bowl, you will want to make that happen in private.

Let’s say that you are forced to spend the weekend with your boyfriend. How in the world are you supposed to dump? Here are many outlets for your personal pooping safety.

Make a dinner date at a small, local business. Preferably that old people frequent because they stink too. Order drinks (alcohol so you can leave him there alone and he’ll be occupied) and right after you order food, sneak away to the loo. Drop the kids off at the pool, perfume up and you should be good to go!

Say you need to go fill up on gas and drop off some of your own.

Say you need to go out and get him a surprise. Come back with his favorite beer. He’ll hardly notice that it took you 45 minutes to buy a six pack!

Poop at a bar, I always poop at bars.

Come on ladies. If you need more ideas than that, or have questions about specific situations, feel free to e-mail me. Happy pooping!


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