Rule #6: Blue balls are mythical.

24 May

Santa Claus, Loch Ness, Evil Step mothers and Blue Balls. They all are simple ploys to trick impressionable young minds into commiting acts that their older selves would deem unreasonable. So whether it be going to bed early, leaving a natural habitat undisturbed, to be treated like shit or to exercise penis demons (respectively), I’m warning you to never fall victim to these ploys!  I can only console those poor virgins with a guilty conscience that fell for the miserable trick of blue balling.

Once there was a boy from a dance floor make-out session. We’re talking sexy make-out with my best friend joining in. Well, he was just a beautiful man, but the kissing was more like making out with an anteater. Don’t know how an anteater would make out? That’s ok, I found this Youtube video for you:

No big deal, but I happened to be the girl that he wanted to take home for the night. Any man who chokes you with their tongue should have the decency to walk you home to protect you from other men who might try and do the same exact thing to you: throat rape. So he walked me back to my wonderful little dorm and I remember sitting in the hallway since I would not take him inside to my roommates and trying to talk him out of the pain that his little blue balls had felt. Here is a little glimpse into our pathetic conversation:

“Can’t you just put them on ice?”
“No, that would make them more blue, they hurt really bad. Can’t you just suck on it for a bit?”
Uh Oh, more throat rape. “Oh yeah, that sounds hot, but I really have a sore throat.”
“Have a lozenge. My splooge works well.”

OK I honestly do not remember what the conversation held entirely, but I wasted far too much of my time feeling sorry for a man who could have let me sleep and go home and jerk it til he works it.

He did not make it into my room that night and I just wasted a few hours of sleep. The next day I googled it and blue balls are a myth as far as any self-respecting girl is concerned. Any decent man should respect your need to not put out, and if he needs to pressure a girl into sleeping with him by making up a lie that feeds into a woman’s desire to never cause pain, especially to genetalia, he is not decent enough to deserve a penile slip. Um hello, what are flowers there for?

Any man stupid enough to use this line to try and get more action than he deserves should rightfully be “blue-balled.”


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