Rule #7: If you dance on a bar, make sure that you wore panties that night.

24 May

Not because you don’t have an awesome vagina that’s bedazzled and beautiful that goodness can’t hide underneath a skirt, but because you don’t know who’s watching. I don’t care how juicy your vajazzle is:

Let me tell you a story about a girl I know. And hate. This simple bitch is the girl who shows up in bikinis at bars on a Thursday night. Or in a mini skirt and not much else. However, when she was sober, she maintained her classy Jersey girl ways. Somehow, she had linked herself in with my best friend’s eternity boy, named Jack. Jersey girl and Best Friend had never met and by some misshapen move of fate, Jersey girl and Jack had gotten into a relationship. It was Facebook official, so you know it was real. Get this: I went to school with Jersey girl, but the other people involved in this sick love triangle were scattered across the country. Amazing how small the world is sometimes.  This Jersey girl was crusty. I’m not talking like the edges of a pie, I’m talking like a farm cat with rabies with puss formulating into a swamp around it’s cancerous eye crusty. As a bartender, I saw this pussy eye crusty girl at her worst moments. Like when she would dance on the bars without panties. I have seen this girl’s vagina so many times that I could have sculpted it in my sleep. I also saw her on stage grinding and making out with another big toothed baffoon. What do I do about it? Take pictures. Someone has to break up the eternity boy with his crusty girlfriend because no one should have to suffer through dating someone that crusty. And besides, he could have been getting tail from my BFF. And her pussy is fine and squeaky bust that pussy open in the islands of Waikikiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

If you didn’t catch that reference, it was definitely Nicki Minaj and you should maybe brush up on your Nicki music.

So please, if you are crusty, don’t flash your vagina everywhere because it enforces the crustiness and you don’t want that shit spreading everywhere or festering chunks falling in some poor unsuspecting drink sitting on the bar.
Unless if you’re awesome, then please dance on the bar.
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