Rule #11: Use caution when pursuing a Chippendale’s dancer.

25 May

Yes they have flawless bodies (vanity). Yes they typically have accents (these can be forged). Yes they can move like a snake charmer (uufda). Yes they could talk their way out of Alcatraz (and into your panties). CAUTION!!! Men so flawless probably have baggage and lies that they are hiding with their flawless covers. Here is my experience dealing with these male sirens.

It was just another ordinary drunken festivity with some friends when I spotted him. This tall, dark and clean (clean stands out at local bars) chocolate buff body and I made eye contact. I fell in love with his massive pectorals gently ruffling the insides of his t-shirt and he fell in love with my ass that you could balance a coke bottle on. Destiny spoke that night, and when she spoke, she probably choked on her words. We got to talking and turns out he owns his own company and does some dancing on the side, but here’s the strange thing about that: his last name was on NONE of his business cards. Yes he is classy and gave me his card. Also strange, when I non-creepily googled his business, nothing came up. It was as if he was simply lying to impress me and my Kansas-ass (ass the size of Kansas).

I’m getting ahead of myself here. The night that we met, we really hit it off and he invited me to breakfast the next morning. Oh word?? Breakfast without sex?? I love bagels. I love them more with a frugally undisturbed perchina. He shows up at my house the next morning with a bike capable of giving orgasms off of the transmission alone! You know how bikes vibrate when…OK anyways…He took me out to breakfast and continued this facade of having his own business by being on his phone the entire breakfast. How sexy. He did briefly get off his phone to tell me to stand and spin around so he could “see what I was working with.” That was actually a bit sexier than demoralizing, but only because HE was so sexy and knew what to do with his manliness. When you get to that level of beauty you could ask me to jump around the restaurant and scream like a chimpanzee and I would do it to turn you on. He also showed me this awesome app that he had that tracked local sex offenders…HOW APPROPRIATE!! So wait up dude. You can’t let me know your last name and you have a sex offender radar and this is our first date. 1. We’re supposed to be getting to know each other. 2. I have never cared as much about sex offenders as when I was sitting across the table from you.

After breakfast he sent me a few unsolicited, however welcomed, nudy photos.

All my little eggies! Do not feel like you have to send pictures once they already start!! We all know how horrible it is to think of ourselves naked, and to see pictures is simply a documentation of how our gruesome self-image. If he has already started sending you pictures, ummm hello: you already have what you need. Don’t feel the pressure to send one back. But alas, here was my first experience sending sexy pics. Very blurry is key.

How this whole weekend date session continued was with a few texts about how it was so strange that he already missed me. Something wrong there. NO it is not fucking strange that you miss me already! I’m amazing so you should expect to miss me every second that I’m gone. We met on a Thursday, and that Sunday he wanted to take me out camping. Again, let’s do the math here. 1. I don’t know your last name. 2. Your flawless body could easily destroy mine, in a pleasurable way or otherwise. 3. Alone camping in the woods is the ideal way to get murdered.

I said that there was no way that I would go with him until I knew his last name. He declined to inform me, so I said bye bye to him and his flawless body. Safety before beauty ladies. And guess what? That dancer showed up at my house the next day with his truck packed full of camping supplies and a text that said “I’m waitiiiiiiiiiiiing.” Hello Clarice. Back da fuk off. I have never felt so unsafe.

Moral here is that you need to move slow with Chippendale’s dancers because they will take you down at a rocket’s pace.

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