Rule #13: When you want to throw an after party, make sure it is an actual party.

25 May

This night is a continuance from the night in rule #12; not one of my best nights to reminiscence while hungover. In retrospect, I’m over it.

After I had my session at the bar with Asshole Bill, I met up with the would-be virginity thief and we went for more drinks. I needed that like I need more lovin on my handles. Needless to say, the rest of the night was a blur. From what I remember I sat on the bus next to one of my old Student Assistants and I was pretending I was more popular than I actually am: inviting “everyone” to my house for an after party. I was acting a lot more popular than I was because I expected people to be bribed with a 6-pack of Guinness. Out of the entire busload of drunken idiots, the three people who got off the bus at my stop was myself, the would-be virginity thief and my student assistant.

What happens next??? Find out in the next episode of Vivian’s drunken series of life-ruining mistakes!!!

To be continued…right now. The three of us star-crossed lovers sat there and stared at each other for about a minute and mentally debated the pros and cons. I’m sure the Student Assistant is thinking ‘I have the best job ever.’ The would-be virginity thief was thinking ‘I thought tonight was finally the night!’ and I’m thinking ‘Threesome.’ None of that actually panned out though. Instead, the thief jetted off unto the night as he screamed ‘Whatever Vivian!’ That really cut me deep. But now I was stuck in the middle of the street with this Student Assistant. Let’s say that it was raining to make things more romantic. After the exciting night that I had, I just did not want to spend the night alone. Yes, I probably should have chased after the would-be virginity thief, but he is just such as fast runner and I was not in the mood for an argument. To make the image of my wonderful apartment more sensual, I swatted the idea of the 6-pack of Guinness back into his brain and balancing said 6 pack on my big beautiful booty. He followed like a hippie’s odor.

Once back at my apartment, we drank the Guinness and joked about the olden days when he thought that I was the hot freshman until he asked if it was alright if he kissed me. Now usually, I think this is a pathetic way for a man to gain sympathy when he doesn’t have the courage to make a move himself. The exception to this rule is if they are attractive, which this particular Student Assistant happened to be. So we start going at it in my living room until we’re both sitting there topless and fears of roommates waking up led us to my bedroom. And let me tell you, that night made me think twice about what man I took home that night. Imagine a Jack-Hammer pounding on the walls of your vagina. When I asked him to stop, he says “No baby, not until you cum.” Ew. That is never fun to hear as your perchina is being torn apart by a mix of fingernails and pressure washing.

This was not the after party that I was expecting, so please avoid my mistakes you little eggies and make sure that your after party actually has people.

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