Rule #15: You will make yourself feel better by demoralizing your competition.

25 May

I don’t know if you’ve realized, but I hate simple bitches. Simple bitches are bitches who are so simple minded that even chipmunks are confused by their stupidity. You pretty much can just call these girls simple bitches, it’s not like they’ll be able to figure out what you mean. If you have a lot of pent up anger, go ahead, spill a drink on them this weekend. Before they’ll be able to react, you’ll be hiding at the bar putting in your next order.

Now the girls that are the worst are those girls who you would normally love, except the man that you are digging on is more interested in her. You can degrade these girls until you feel better, but omg no way do you want to hurt their feelings, so do it with your closest girlfriends behind their back. That way, after they break up, the guy still thinks that you’re cool and the girl won’t be on a mission to sink your love submarine. Hopefully. But still feel free to say that her eyes are far too close together, that her toxic shit melts porcelain, her fading hairline makes her look like a naked mole rat, she probably got her hair done by her mother (and her outfit, too); all of these insults are some of my favorite. But keep your thoughts between you and your closest.

Or let’s say that the man that you’re presently head over heels with just doesn’t care for you. Now this one is brutal. Chances are that he did absolutely nothing besides the fact that he didn’t feel chemistry with you. This one hurts the worst because there is no way to explain why you feel like your heart is being torn out of your chest by a series of fire ants. For this, they only way to make yourself feel better is to convince yourself that this man was not worthy of hurting you in the first place. A few of my novel degradations are as follows: I bet his calve muscles are actually implants, he had a Hersey Kiss for a wiener, not even Jack Daniels himself could have made that man attractive, I’m surprised I never got tangled in his chest hair (ball hair?), he probably had herpes anyways. If you don’t feel better after tearing a man down like this, then just hire one of your closest man friends to beat his ass…but gently. Also, if you wanted to coach your friend to say “don’t flirt with my woman again if you want to see your asshole stay round!” Maybe something different…maybe something along those lines, it’s all up to you!

If these tactics don’t heal your heart at all, then message me, I’m sure we can think of something. Something other than ice cream because that just goes straight to your ass…giving your opponent more ammo.

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