Rule #16: Whiskey heals all wounds.

26 May

But seriously it’s a great disinfectant.

Ohhh you thought that I meant emotional wounds. Sure that can work too.

Some people say that time heals all wounds, and I’m sure that it does, but what makes time go faster? BOOZE. Whiskey just happens to be mine of choice. Rum and Vodka are also good choices. But not tequila, tequila is a horrid choice unless if you want to immediately black out, take off all your clothes, eat an entire pizza in an alley and then get taken home by a cop car (maybe that’s just me). 

A few of my friends call the experience of a blackout “time travel” because one second you are sitting (alone?) with a beer in your hand and the next second you’re waking up in the future. So really, if time heals all wounds and then whiskey has a tendency to make you fast forward through time, then theoretically, whiskey heals all wounds.

After a breakup, the only thing that you need is to stop thinking about the other person. This wonderful mind clearing technique that I call Jim Beam on the rocks will cure most emotional pain with few side effects: headache, sensitivity to noise and light and children, tendency to overeat and regret. Just make sure that when you go out, you keep your mind occupied with things other than how much you miss your ex. Play darts or make out with some random on the dance floor. Whatever you do, do not think about your ex. Whiskey also has the tendency to make you want to cry.=, but you do not want to get caught doing the “ugly girl cry” at a bar somewhere (see Rule #17). The ugly girl cry is the exact opposite of the emotionally stable person that you are trying to be.

Withholding the fact that you might become an alcoholic, this whiskey cure usually works for most emotional pain.


One Response to “Rule #16: Whiskey heals all wounds.”

  1. Paperdoll May 26, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    I’m loving your blog…a girl with a similar sense of humor…and attitude toward life and love too I suspect!

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