Rule #17: If you must do the ugly girl cry, like masterbating, it must be done alone.

26 May

The shower is another acceptable place to ugly girl cry (and pee!). Feeling those salty tears and watery snot wash away down the drain only gives me more comfort that no one will see me or notice my makeup’s smudged from tears. This cry does not happen often and towards men, it is a weapon of mass destruction. For you to fully understand what ugly girl cry I am talking about, I’ll write up a Webster for you:

Ugly Girl Cry: This cry is a cry so emotionally murderous that it cannot be contained. They eyes turn beet red and sometimes swell to the point of resembling a crack in the nut of a pistachio. Very tiny eyes. Imagine cutting open a tomato. Now the nose becomes it’s own submerging island of watery snotsickles. Snot drips out of the nose making icicles like a Canadian rooftop despite the mountain of tissues building in the girl’s lap. This is a never ending flow and I don’t even want to get into what happens when tissues run out. The mouth becomes a gaping volcano of emotion. Place your bottom lip directly behind your top teeth and inhale rapidly in hyperventilative gasps; the noise should sound like a repetitive “FAFAFAFAFA” or the clipping of a baseball card on a bike spoke. You should feel constraint around your throat if you’re doing it right. Breaths are loud, trivial and usually unsuccessful, which is why this cry usually causes hiccups or yawning.

One reason that you want to do this miserable cry in private is because you will not be able to formulate words, much less a sentence. When you are pathetically wailing and cannot even explain yourself, it leaves everyone around you with a feeling of extreme confusion. If you can’t explain yourself, then how in the world are they supposed to comfort you? It’s hard enough to comfort someone who is victim to the crash-coarse of fate and you know why they’re crying. But with the ugly girl cry, they won’t know whether to leave you alone or comfort you so they just stay in the corner and stare to make sure you don’t do anything drastic. This will not help the solution. The last thing you need when you ugly girl cry is people staring. They’ll probably take pictures and post it on Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Who knew that a nose could create that much snot??

Also, this cry is poison for men. Maybe it will make them sit around and listen to you for a while, but the second they leave, they’re just going to talk to their friends about how this crazy woman did the ugly girl cry so now he has to go pick up sluts at the bar.

On second thought, if he’s extremely attractive, do the ugly cry and send him to go pick me up at the bar. Thank you readers!

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