Rule #19: Customize your voicemail…in a very sexy way.

26 May

This is the best thing you can do when screening your calls. You meet a sexy guy at a bar, but you were plastered, so you want to seem sexy in your voicemail without actually talking to him. This way, he is still attracted to you as he invites you do dinner or wonders which is the best approach to get you alone. Either way, you want to give him the impression that you are sexy, mysterious, attainable yet unavailable. You’re now in the upper seat because he is obviously magnetized to you, now more than ever due to the sexy voicemail, but you have time to respond to whatever voicemail he leaves you and think if this guy is worth your time at all. Also, after the first date, you want to seem capable of giving multiple orgasms why still not too eager. The sexy voicemail helps with this, too. Doesn’t help with Grandma and the will however, so just make sure you answer her phone calls.

You’re probably wondering how to leave such a seductive voicemail, and I’m sure that you are fully capable of creating your own masterpiece, but here is a general outline to get you started.

I. Lower your voice by two octaves.

It’s science. Men have historically only listened to men talk during the hunt and would only meet up with woman to mate. If you speak to them at their level, they are more likely to be intrigued by what you are saying. And ladies, we have forever been complaining about how men never listen. It’s because of that rumor going around that men love to hear that baby voice. To that I must say nay nay. As a woman naturally gifted with a male post pubescent voice, I have never had a problem with men listening to me. Ok that’s a lie, but this is actual science. Look at the diagram! So yes, lower your voice ladies and you will most definitely catch their attention. If they think you’re strange, at least you now have their attention, and that is something that cannot be replaced with tender loving kisses.

II. Smoke at least a pack of cigarettes beforehand.

To relate back to the days when men would only hunt, to have the most success in the hunt, they would go for the most attainable catch. So what we need to do to catch a decent man is to make ourselves like the weakest gazelle. We need to appear sick and defenseless, and maybe even slow. The best cure that I can find for decent health is to smoke cigarettes. And meth, but I have not ventured to those heights of self-destruction yet, but feel free! Cigarettes will make you sick, weakening your defenses and you might even be a little slow if you are allowing this argument convince you to smoke cigarettes. You are very much on the long and narrow path to making yourself appear to be the perfect woman via voicemail. Sickly is key.

III. The appeal is in the words.

I don’t know how to tell you what to say without telling you what to say:

“Leave a message after the tone, then I’ll see if we can bone!”

“Sorry I missed you, I’ll suck it ’til it’s blue.”

“I think you’re sexy, perhaps you should text me.”

“Hello, if this is TreySongz, leave a message now. If this is anyone else, please hang up now.”

“I’m too busy being hot, don’t leave a message if you’re not.”

Now you should be fully equipped with everything you need to be that unavailable temptress that you NEED to portray in your voicemail. Enjoy all of the social enhancements that it brings your way.

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