Rule #21: Kindly reconsider dating the hyperfeminine fella.

28 May

He might be gay, however, that is not what this post is about. It’s about one man whose girliness I did not want to deal with.

There once was a boy who was on my softball team. Just a little intramural thing, but all of the red flags should have been rocketing. What man in his right man plays softball with girls when he could play baseball? I guess that you could say that he was doing it for the girls. He asked me out on a date.

He cleaned up his daddy’s Lexus real nice. Maybe I should have dated his father because I totally could have fucked that car. He had planned to take me to mini golf. Mini like his wiener. The date honestly would have been perfect. Beautiful outdoor course, he paid. Things were going smoothly until about the 8th hole. I’m a horrible putter, so as I was hitting the ball about a dozen times, I could see over my shoulder that he was picking flowers from the bush behind me. I was charmed because it’s a cute gesture. He walks up to me with two flowers and leans over to tenderly place one in my hair and mentioned something about a pretty flower for a pretty girl. A bit of cheesiness is tolerable. But what happened next was the deal breaker. He took the other flower that he brought over and placed it behind his ear. He wanted to match. Shit dude, if I wanted to match that much I’d be dating someone with tits.

We finished the round of golf and he drove me home. As we drove, I’m fearing that moment at the end of the date when you decide to either kiss or walk away slowly. That, and I just wanted to punch him out and drive off into the sunset with his car. But seriously. Can you still kiss like a girl if you have a beard? I’m particular to the kind of man who can sweep you off your feet, over his shoulder and slam you against a wall. In a sexy way, not as a form of torture. We parked in my driveway and he warns me to stay in the car. One of the many reasons why chivalry is dead is because woman think of gentlemen as sissies. He walks out and opens the door for me. We hugged and then I briefly turned away.

That wasn’t even the worst of it. For YEARS afterwards, YEARS, he would message me sporadically and whine about how he was so sorry that things didn’t work out between us and ask me to talk to him more. Unless if I needed someone to give me tips on the correct manicure or how I have daddy issues, I will not be calling you back flower child. Am I being too judgmental here? We had one date buddy. If there was supposed to be a follow through, there would have been. Destiny or whatever. Stop whining to me about it. Or maybe there’s a problem with stereotypes these days that says we have to be dating a man like Fabio. He’s sexy, manly and in touch with his feminine side. And he loves horses.

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I just need some help finding that balance between a man who I can talk with who isn’t a chick yet still turns me on. Am I asking too much? Fabio where are you?!!?

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