Rule #23: Only offer a threesome if you are fully aware of the consequences.

29 May

I have a personal rule that I will never offer up a threesome unless if I am the third stranger. You don’t want to deal with being jealous that the guy likes the other girl more or trying to deal with two wieners. That’s a lot of wiener. But we can debate the logistics of the ideal threesome later. This post will be delving in on the idea of offering a threesome when you are not ready. Be cautious in this situation because once a man hears the possibility of a threesome, he will stop at nothing to get his cock doubly pounded.

My girls and I had planned a double birthday party with hotel and VIP section at an exclusive club. Needless to say, we got drunker than the Irish on St. Patty’s Day. We’re at the club and for some reason the best looking guy there was a promoter so I figured that that would be a fairly safe bet to get a phone number and perhaps a date the following day. Apparently club promoters are paid to flirt with the ladies so I shamelessly flirted. Except my slutty friend flirted, too. I don’t blame her because the boy looked like Usher. Somewhere between free shots of Grey Goose from the promoter and my Best Friend singing “Confessions Pt. 2” about nine times, yes to his face, the subject of threesomes was brought up. I blame it on the fact that my slutty friend and I were both fondling him from opposite sides. We’re not the type of girl to fight over a man, so I guess we were fine with sharing. At least when we were drunk. I’ll be perfectly honest and say that I don’t remember the entire conversation on how the threesome came about, but even if the conversation didn’t happen, the idea was enforced by our actions.

The VIP section at this club was not necessarily designed for the type of dancing that we wanted to do, so we decided to jet. We danced all night and went back to the hotel to gorge ourselves on pizza. This was a girls only event. Go ahead, picture girls in panties jumping around and flinging pillows at each other with mounds of pizza rolling off of our jaws. Slobbery slices of pizza. As I was passing out, I received a text that said “threesome” from a “Rover.” I guess the promoter’s name was Rover…so much for Usher. I was obviously not prepared to follow through on the threesome, especially not with my slutty friend (even though she is awfully sexy, I don’t think I would be able to please her womanly needs) so I fell asleep. My Best Friend, however, thought that I was ready. She called him and drunkenly ranted “I would totally have a threesome with you! I want your BBC in every orifice I own and my friend’s! Come over! We’re at the Hilton! Just come down to the lobby and I’ll come and get you.” Rover thought that was my voice talking. When he called back, my best friend wakes me up to tell me that Rover was downstairs waiting for me. Sleep or awkward late night, stinky pizza drunk sex. I didn’t really have an option since my automatic response to liquor past 4am is to pass out and that I did.

So now, due to my unconventional methods of offering a threesome, I can no longer have amazing single partner sex with an Usher lookalike neither can I get free shots of Goose. If anything, I’d take the Goose because I can always flick the bean to the real Usher.

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