Rule #25: The two things you need at every wedding are tissues and a bottle.

3 Jun

You never know when tears will flow, so the best method is to try and hide your real emotions behind some whiskey breath. Now, if you are single as I will be eternally, weddings are a thorough reminder of how I should just go buy some cats, floral curtains and knit until I die at a ripe old crazy age. Now please, hold back on the booze bottle until after the ceremony. Drunkenness at ceremonies usually ends up with reckless pouting and perhaps a scream to end the wedding because you’re still in love with the groom. I wasn’t even in love with the groom.

The main point of every wedding, for the single ladies anyways, is to hookup with the groomsmen. Everyone has been reminded about how beautiful true love is, especially when you’re single. It’s like being hungry and seeing a flame broiled burger. You just want your cut of the action, so step up and follow this fool proof plan into faking love for one night.

Step 1: Look awesome. Wear a big hat. Don’t cry excessively at the ceremony because that’s where men do their initial scoping of all the single ladies, you need to look good and stand out to beat all of those other bitches to the sexiest single man standing on the alter. So use your tissues to blot your eyes before they leak and mess up your make up. Smile at the bride, remember after all, it’s her day and you just have a side mission. Besides, when she walks past you, that’s when all the fellas will be looking your way so you want to distract those horny men from the bride’s flawlessness with your pearly whites. Let them look.

Step 2: An open keg sometimes is not enough, so bring your own bottle. Keep it in your car. Location is key. Some people do the flask thing, but that is so last century. A flask means that you are drinking solo. But if the booze is in your car, then at least you can invite others to your car to drink with as a big group of single hornballs. It’s mating season and booze makes your feathers look brighter. Specifically, you should invite the groomsman that you’ve been eying because every groomsman is going to do everything in his power to get regally trashed. He will use you for your booze and then for your boobies. You get some alone time with zee sexy one and get to get your buzz on; it’s a win-win. If you really want some bonus points, make sure to get a manly liquor like Maker’s Mark or Jim Beam. Men seem to get impressed with manly liquor. He can even share some with his mom if you want more bonus points! Mommy points cannot be replaced or replicated by any swagger or form of courtship.

Step 3: Catch the bouquet, it’s a great conversation piece.

If all goes well, make sure that you booked a cheap hotel room.


One Response to “Rule #25: The two things you need at every wedding are tissues and a bottle.”

  1. Leonard Marks July 27, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    great post

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