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Rule #32: There are six hookups always rendering an applause.

2 Aug

1. The “fuck you” hookup.

This is the most vindictive hookup known to mankind. This is the hookup that must be completed in a stylish manner, and probably won’t include sex. The significant thing here is that you make an impression. Imagine that guy in high school that never gave you the time of day since your butt cheeks weren’t hanging out of your cheer uniform. Years later, he’s probably still stuck in high school mode like I’m stuck on Ganondorf’s castle in Zelda Ocarina of Time (if this metaphor is lost on you, please sit down and spend some bonding time with your N64. Don’t know what your N64 is? Then please tell me you at least know what Tiger Heli is…). So here’s the scene: He is still wearing his Hollister polos and puka shells. When he sees you looking stunning, perhaps in a body-conscious red number, he’ll probably walk over to you and say “I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch.” That’s probably not you anymore, but still, you have engaged in full throttle womanly seduction; something the teenage version of you may have never understood. To fully glorify that version of you and finally close the chapter of your teenage years filled with yearning for men unattainable. By teasing this meathead all night and finally planting a wet one on him and then not giving him your number you have just vindicated every insecurity that plagued the most awkward and painful years of your life. By planting that kiss you’re taking the beast of adolescence and slaughtering at the offering table…the final sacrifice you need to make to your eternal womanhood.

2. The rebound.

Girl, you’re hurting. Breakups suck. But sometimes you need to take off the mourning veils for your failed relationship (and granny panties) and just ride that horse. Don’t literally fuck a horse…I’ve heard bad things happen. But say now, a man hung like a horse…nothing will snap your head back to the life of a single woman like a penis so big that it pokes your lungs. That first fuck after a breakup is so monumental because you are reclaiming your rights. You no longer have to obey the rules of simply one wang, but the will of your almighty vagina. Give that vagina a treat so you can finally get on the path to find the next mister right.

3. The revenge.

I personally like to cut my ex out of my life completely, but if you feel better fucking his friends and it gives you some validation to your appeal as a woman, then HIGH FIVE! Go get ’em girl! But keep in mind; this may destroy all visions he had of you as being the one that got away. I always feel guilty when I use sex as a weapon against the formidable ex, but I could totally understand the need to feed the rage monster by sexing the people that will definitely tell your ex that you’re still great in bed.

3. Stature.

I guess that stature would also include sleeping with your boss, but things get dicey there…especially when your boss is a woman. But if you think it will help you get ahead, then it’s worth a shot? This is more of a situational thing, obviously.

4. Extreme Beauty.

I would fuck Enrique Iglesias to say that I fucked Enrique Iglesias. You can let him know, too. Sometimes you just need to take that chance, because he’s sexy. I don’t care what anyone says; if you sleep with someone that sexy, that’s a story that you can brag to your grandchildren about! There are millions of woman that would love to sleep with this glorious specimen, and probably millions that have. But girl, take yourself out of the ranks of masterbating dreamers and take that man to bed.

5. Tricky places.

It would be hard to fuck in an elevator. Or in the locker room of a professional sports team. Or on a site of an archeological dig. The trickier the place, the more professional of a sex athlete you are. Once you have a list of tricky places that you’ve done the nasty, it’s like beating all the dungeons in Zelda Ocarina of Time (If you still don’t know what this is, please, quality time with your N64. I insist.) Having sex all over the world is much similar to the Olympics, you’ve got to collect your medals and baby, there are plenty of events to master!