Tag Archives: beautiful women

Rule #31: Visiting a gay club is one of the greatest ego boosts known to the straight woman.

9 Jul

I love going to the gay club. I don’t have to worry about getting too drunk. If you have been to a gay club than you know that they typically make drinks strong enough to kill a baby, womb dwelling or otherwise. I have a strong habit of getting so drunk that I sit on a bar stool and make eyes at all of the young gentlemen sitting around me. At a straight bar, this would get me in so much trouble, that I’d have to go to a gay bar and drink my babies away*

Anyways, I have recently attended this said gay club with a few friends of mine. I have never felt so beautiful. The men there have no fear of rejection from a woman, so they will compliment at will. One of the most common compliments: GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, you are so beautiful! If only I was straight I would totally bang you.

So hold up. I understand that Beyonce (maybe Cher, and a close third place can be designated to Celine Dion) is probably one of the only woman capable of turning gay men straight, but when you constantly remind me that I’m at a club where there is no chance of me getting laid whatsoever. But then I think to myself that I should go to a straight club, not get told that I’m totally bangable and get banged anyways. At the very least, I’ll get eye-fucked. Either way, I’m back to the straight bar scenario mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. So then I decide to stay at the gay club with beautiful men who actually appreciate the fact that I bought this new pair of Steve Maddens…ON SALE! I’ll get told I’m beautiful and get some wonderful fashion tips along the way.

Some times I wonder if men believe that woman are vein enough to have an entire conversation based on lipstick, so that’s what they compliment. But I don’t really care. They’re right, I COULD talk for hours about lipstick.

Later, I learned that many times the gay foreigner to the friend group may be hitting on the straight woman as a way to show her hot gay friend that they are straight friendly and open the windows to conversation and gay mating. I once had a man pull me off the dance stage to warn me that I might trip on how beautiful I am…he definitely had ulterior motives. First, he invited me to his strip club where he dances and then asked if my brother was gay. Like I want my brother dating a male stripper. But this tiny fact can be easily overlooked as beautiful (gay) men continue to fawn over my beauty.

 

 

*Fetal alcohol syndrome is a real threat to a womb child’s health. The only way to kill a fetus with booze is by killing yourself first. Those resilient little buggers might even live through that, so best to not get pregnant in the first place.

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Rule #28: If all of your friends tell you to leave him, do it.

13 Jun

If just one of your friends is hell bent on breaking the two of you up, she either wants you all to herself or she’s fucking him. Be wary of these backstabbing father fuckers.

We’ve all been there. Been in that type of blissful love where you are completely unaware that the boy can shit anything other than 24 karats. If the guy is shitting gold, chances are he’s not eating right. Either way, something is off. Granted, every once and a while Mr. Perfect comes along. If that’s the case, then bravo Cinderella and I wish you many years of encore.

Maybe your boyfriend is a scrub that doesn’t have a car and needs you to drive him everywhere and buy him things. If this is the case, your friends should be telling you to dump his ass. If they aren’t then they’re in as much denial as you are.

The worst type of relationship is that one where you have to lie to yourself about how wonderful it is. You’re constantly telling yourself that things might be bad now, but at least they’re getting better. WRONG! There is no way that you can change someone. By the time an adult hits the full grown age of 22 or somewhere around there, do you really expect them to change into the ideal person that you want them to be? Heck no. Would a dragonfly ever devolve into it’s nymph stage? Heck No. Once you’re a real person, you’ve pretty much become the person that you are going to be for all eternity and there is really no one who would change that. Once someone is stuck in their scrubbish ways and he has mastered the ways of manipulation to get favors, things and in your pants. If you’re dating that scrub, there is little chance that all of a sudden he’ll decide to turn his life around and become a doctor. When you’re still riding this bliss of this fantasy life, start listening to your friends.

I once knew a girl who somehow got emotionally entangled with this white piece of baby daddy trailer trash. I’ve seen some wonderfully constructed trailers in my day, but he was not living in one of them. The one time she invited me to his “house” to indulge in some underage drinking, his roommates were literally playing darts with knives and some chick gave me a cigarette burn as a baby was crying in the next room. I don’t know about you, but this is not exactly my ideal habitat. But somehow, my friend was in love with the slum of the slums. For three years this poor girl ignored my warnings of his crumminess (antonym: yuminess) and waited until the baby mama pushed her down a flight of stairs. This girl did not even suspect her trip. And even after this disaster, she begged him to take her back. I just don’t understand why beautiful women subject themselves to so much unnecessary trauma.

You’re friends are there for a reason. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be your friends and they would let you date the trash accumulating in the gutters of America. But no, your friends want the best for you because there is that mutual respect that you also want the best for them. When you don’t listen to your friends advice, especially when they are honestly telling you off with your best interest at heart, you’re basically ignoring every premise of a decent relationship. Girls never want to see other girls unhappy because we are typically so empathetic that we don’t want to see ourselves in the shitty relationship as well. No girl should have so suffer.

Us ladies are all looking out for the best things to happen for the ladies because honestly, we deserve better than the slums of the earth.