Tag Archives: beauty

Rule #31: Visiting a gay club is one of the greatest ego boosts known to the straight woman.

9 Jul

I love going to the gay club. I don’t have to worry about getting too drunk. If you have been to a gay club than you know that they typically make drinks strong enough to kill a baby, womb dwelling or otherwise. I have a strong habit of getting so drunk that I sit on a bar stool and make eyes at all of the young gentlemen sitting around me. At a straight bar, this would get me in so much trouble, that I’d have to go to a gay bar and drink my babies away*

Anyways, I have recently attended this said gay club with a few friends of mine. I have never felt so beautiful. The men there have no fear of rejection from a woman, so they will compliment at will. One of the most common compliments: GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, you are so beautiful! If only I was straight I would totally bang you.

So hold up. I understand that Beyonce (maybe Cher, and a close third place can be designated to Celine Dion) is probably one of the only woman capable of turning gay men straight, but when you constantly remind me that I’m at a club where there is no chance of me getting laid whatsoever. But then I think to myself that I should go to a straight club, not get told that I’m totally bangable and get banged anyways. At the very least, I’ll get eye-fucked. Either way, I’m back to the straight bar scenario mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. So then I decide to stay at the gay club with beautiful men who actually appreciate the fact that I bought this new pair of Steve Maddens…ON SALE! I’ll get told I’m beautiful and get some wonderful fashion tips along the way.

Some times I wonder if men believe that woman are vein enough to have an entire conversation based on lipstick, so that’s what they compliment. But I don’t really care. They’re right, I COULD talk for hours about lipstick.

Later, I learned that many times the gay foreigner to the friend group may be hitting on the straight woman as a way to show her hot gay friend that they are straight friendly and open the windows to conversation and gay mating. I once had a man pull me off the dance stage to warn me that I might trip on how beautiful I am…he definitely had ulterior motives. First, he invited me to his strip club where he dances and then asked if my brother was gay. Like I want my brother dating a male stripper. But this tiny fact can be easily overlooked as beautiful (gay) men continue to fawn over my beauty.

 

 

*Fetal alcohol syndrome is a real threat to a womb child’s health. The only way to kill a fetus with booze is by killing yourself first. Those resilient little buggers might even live through that, so best to not get pregnant in the first place.

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Rule #4: If you think that they’re too good looking, remember that they still have a penis.

24 May

One fateful night, I met this model type broad…shouldered man. Oh he was beautiful, sculpted like a Greek statue with lips that looked like they belonged on every part of me. His name was Jonas, like a sexier, taller version of those prick musicians. Except his friend was the one putting on the moves; call him Buddyguy. His friend was pretty alright looking and the sexy Greek guy wasn’t even giving me the time of day, despite my brand new dress from JCPenny’s. Everyone loves a turtleneck.  After a few rounds beer pong, probably played with Smirnoff Black, I was good and plastered. It was about that time of night where my carriage turns into a pumpkin so I had to get my tiny little buttcheeks outta there. Buddyguy decided that it was about time that we exchanged numbers, except by some miracle I knocked his phone out of his hands.  Being the hipster prick that he was, he says “well I guess you can’t have my number now.” I don’t handle rejection well, especially not in stupid situations that men seem to throw themselves in. So I say “Fine. I’ll just have his then.” Pulled the old switcharoo on the old boys! Then I ran off and left one of my fancy glass slippers behind. Shoot, it’s so hard to find those in the right size…

My blazed beyond humanity wing woman warned me not to get my hopes up because those men were far too beautiful to ever give girls like us the time of day. That must have been the green talking because guess who called the very next night…besides my mother. That’s right, Jonas. Not the brothers either. Not only did he call, but sent the invitation to a party. This first party led to a long string of summer flings; mostly just one night stands. It never evolved into anything, however, because the boy simply did not talk. He was actually a Greek statue! But unlike the David, his penis worked. But all this is besides the point. Men will call, no matter how beautiful, if they want to get laid. You can take it as an ego boost that you can get with really attractive men, I certainly did, but if that essential chemistry isn’t there the relationship is a big load of hooey.