Tag Archives: booze

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.


Rule #1: If you must cheat, cheat up.

24 May

I’m about as big of fan of cheating as I am of being constipated. It is not fun to do the cheating or be cheated on (to continue the metaphor, it’s not fun to squeeze a turd or be the turd being squeezed out).  My first relationship was when I was 18. It happened so late in life  because I was extremely unfortunate looking in high school.  Not ugly, no, but it’s amazing what a pair of cargo shorts, braces and untrimmed hair can do for your sex appeal. I would like to think that my late blooming arranged for me to develop a sense of humor to cope with the fact that all of my friends had boys to waddle by at middle school dances while I was off in the corner hitting a volleyball against the wall.  If we wanted to really get creative here, we can imagine that an angry witch saw my beauty as a baby and cast a spell of monstrosity against me to protect my tender youthful years from all the dangers of beauty turning you into a rampant slut. Anyways, when I turned 18 the spell of my ugly youth had been lifted.  I had my first boyfriend and I was convinced that we were meant to be. His name was Seth and he was as dorky as he was bowlegged. We really understand each other, you know…YOU KNOW?! That’s what he told me anyways until a pregnancy test accidentally rolled out of his pocket and into my world as a sign that men can never be trusted. I was obviously a virgin.

Allow me to describe his ex-girlfriend/woman he was pounding on the side. She was a dandruff ridden mongol with exposed gums, bee stings where her boobettes should be and an arid emotional deficiency. Excuse my rudeness, but whenever a girl is left for another, isn’t it in our nature to tear the other apart? It’s literally in our genes from the caveman days to compete for men. If you had no man to defend you and provide for you, how is your vagina supposed to feed itself?!?

Now, as I had recently bloomed into perky boobs and a still had that teenager skinny sex-pot of a body, I was so confused. I had spent 18 years evolving my personality so that I did not have to worry about looks, and now I was a total package! I could be someone’s perfect mate, but I am not acceptable even at my prime? The lesson learned here is that looks are irrelevant when it comes to chemistry.  One lesson learned here, anyways. If a man-boy has felt strong emotional ties to a woman-girl for quite some time, it is nearly impossible to sever those ties, even if you swear she has fleas.

Back to the premise of this rule.  This experience has no doubt left me emotionally scarred.  I had thought that I was unstoppable, and in retrospect, I was and still am. Power to the woman who can be hurt, but jump right back in the game and still get men to flock to her like the salmon of Capistrano!  But there are those dark days where I sit and wonder, even if I was the perfect woman, why is it that he chose her? I would feel a lot better about myself if he would have delighted himself in the tenderloins of Jessica Biel or some other knockout, because then I would know that he wasn’t interested in me because of my looks. To cheat on an me with an ugly woman, however, undermines everything about myself that I had been trying to perfect for the first long and painfully awkward years of my life. At least my looks, I can’t really change. I can become Mary-Kate Olsen skinny or be looking like Precious, but I’m still the same girl.  I’ve always thought that if I stuck to my guns and just be the best person that I could possibly be, I would end up with the guy. And live in a castle. Apparently not. Looks can’t help you win a man and neither can your personality. What it comes down to is chemistry and timing; but even that is still up for debate.

A lot of things about the world are still up for debate. But as a favor from everyone in this world to everyone in this world. If you must cheat on someone, please cheat with someone who is clearly better than the one you are with. Otherwise, you leave the other person constantly debating with themselves about their worth as an individual without ever finding a definite answer as to what could possibly be the matter with them. I still have yet to pinpoint my flaws, perhaps there wasn’t one and we just didn’t have the right chemistry, but I will always question myself and what I am doing wrong in the relationship. Never cheat, but if you do, do it for simple reasons, like the new man is built like Goliath or inherited millions worth of daddy’s money. Make it obvious to the other person why they are so imperfect. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were both dating other people when they met, and when they did meet, the chemistry was so intense that they got a cab and immediately started going at it. But at least Ellen’s girlfriend can say “Oh well I get it, she’s dating a super model now.” and Portia’s ex can say “Ellen is fucking hilarious, I get it.” Make it obvious to the other person what they are lacking. Please don’t cheat with someone who is crusty and has a gaping hole where their personality should be.

P.S. Three years later, he apologized to me over Facebook chat. This leads me to believe that I perhaps have nothing wrong with me and he was just the asshole. But would an asshole apologize? Back to square one.