Tag Archives: cigarettes

Rule #28: If all of your friends tell you to leave him, do it.

13 Jun

If just one of your friends is hell bent on breaking the two of you up, she either wants you all to herself or she’s fucking him. Be wary of these backstabbing father fuckers.

We’ve all been there. Been in that type of blissful love where you are completely unaware that the boy can shit anything other than 24 karats. If the guy is shitting gold, chances are he’s not eating right. Either way, something is off. Granted, every once and a while Mr. Perfect comes along. If that’s the case, then bravo Cinderella and I wish you many years of encore.

Maybe your boyfriend is a scrub that doesn’t have a car and needs you to drive him everywhere and buy him things. If this is the case, your friends should be telling you to dump his ass. If they aren’t then they’re in as much denial as you are.

The worst type of relationship is that one where you have to lie to yourself about how wonderful it is. You’re constantly telling yourself that things might be bad now, but at least they’re getting better. WRONG! There is no way that you can change someone. By the time an adult hits the full grown age of 22 or somewhere around there, do you really expect them to change into the ideal person that you want them to be? Heck no. Would a dragonfly ever devolve into it’s nymph stage? Heck No. Once you’re a real person, you’ve pretty much become the person that you are going to be for all eternity and there is really no one who would change that. Once someone is stuck in their scrubbish ways and he has mastered the ways of manipulation to get favors, things and in your pants. If you’re dating that scrub, there is little chance that all of a sudden he’ll decide to turn his life around and become a doctor. When you’re still riding this bliss of this fantasy life, start listening to your friends.

I once knew a girl who somehow got emotionally entangled with this white piece of baby daddy trailer trash. I’ve seen some wonderfully constructed trailers in my day, but he was not living in one of them. The one time she invited me to his “house” to indulge in some underage drinking, his roommates were literally playing darts with knives and some chick gave me a cigarette burn as a baby was crying in the next room. I don’t know about you, but this is not exactly my ideal habitat. But somehow, my friend was in love with the slum of the slums. For three years this poor girl ignored my warnings of his crumminess (antonym: yuminess) and waited until the baby mama pushed her down a flight of stairs. This girl did not even suspect her trip. And even after this disaster, she begged him to take her back. I just don’t understand why beautiful women subject themselves to so much unnecessary trauma.

You’re friends are there for a reason. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be your friends and they would let you date the trash accumulating in the gutters of America. But no, your friends want the best for you because there is that mutual respect that you also want the best for them. When you don’t listen to your friends advice, especially when they are honestly telling you off with your best interest at heart, you’re basically ignoring every premise of a decent relationship. Girls never want to see other girls unhappy because we are typically so empathetic that we don’t want to see ourselves in the shitty relationship as well. No girl should have so suffer.

Us ladies are all looking out for the best things to happen for the ladies because honestly, we deserve better than the slums of the earth.

Rule #19: Customize your voicemail…in a very sexy way.

26 May

This is the best thing you can do when screening your calls. You meet a sexy guy at a bar, but you were plastered, so you want to seem sexy in your voicemail without actually talking to him. This way, he is still attracted to you as he invites you do dinner or wonders which is the best approach to get you alone. Either way, you want to give him the impression that you are sexy, mysterious, attainable yet unavailable. You’re now in the upper seat because he is obviously magnetized to you, now more than ever due to the sexy voicemail, but you have time to respond to whatever voicemail he leaves you and think if this guy is worth your time at all. Also, after the first date, you want to seem capable of giving multiple orgasms why still not too eager. The sexy voicemail helps with this, too. Doesn’t help with Grandma and the will however, so just make sure you answer her phone calls.

You’re probably wondering how to leave such a seductive voicemail, and I’m sure that you are fully capable of creating your own masterpiece, but here is a general outline to get you started.

I. Lower your voice by two octaves.

It’s science. Men have historically only listened to men talk during the hunt and would only meet up with woman to mate. If you speak to them at their level, they are more likely to be intrigued by what you are saying. And ladies, we have forever been complaining about how men never listen. It’s because of that rumor going around that men love to hear that baby voice. To that I must say nay nay. As a woman naturally gifted with a male post pubescent voice, I have never had a problem with men listening to me. Ok that’s a lie, but this is actual science. Look at the diagram! So yes, lower your voice ladies and you will most definitely catch their attention. If they think you’re strange, at least you now have their attention, and that is something that cannot be replaced with tender loving kisses.

II. Smoke at least a pack of cigarettes beforehand.

To relate back to the days when men would only hunt, to have the most success in the hunt, they would go for the most attainable catch. So what we need to do to catch a decent man is to make ourselves like the weakest gazelle. We need to appear sick and defenseless, and maybe even slow. The best cure that I can find for decent health is to smoke cigarettes. And meth, but I have not ventured to those heights of self-destruction yet, but feel free! Cigarettes will make you sick, weakening your defenses and you might even be a little slow if you are allowing this argument convince you to smoke cigarettes. You are very much on the long and narrow path to making yourself appear to be the perfect woman via voicemail. Sickly is key.

III. The appeal is in the words.

I don’t know how to tell you what to say without telling you what to say:

“Leave a message after the tone, then I’ll see if we can bone!”

“Sorry I missed you, I’ll suck it ’til it’s blue.”

“I think you’re sexy, perhaps you should text me.”

“Hello, if this is TreySongz, leave a message now. If this is anyone else, please hang up now.”

“I’m too busy being hot, don’t leave a message if you’re not.”

Now you should be fully equipped with everything you need to be that unavailable temptress that you NEED to portray in your voicemail. Enjoy all of the social enhancements that it brings your way.