Tag Archives: emotional

Rule #28: If all of your friends tell you to leave him, do it.

13 Jun

If just one of your friends is hell bent on breaking the two of you up, she either wants you all to herself or she’s fucking him. Be wary of these backstabbing father fuckers.

We’ve all been there. Been in that type of blissful love where you are completely unaware that the boy can shit anything other than 24 karats. If the guy is shitting gold, chances are he’s not eating right. Either way, something is off. Granted, every once and a while Mr. Perfect comes along. If that’s the case, then bravo Cinderella and I wish you many years of encore.

Maybe your boyfriend is a scrub that doesn’t have a car and needs you to drive him everywhere and buy him things. If this is the case, your friends should be telling you to dump his ass. If they aren’t then they’re in as much denial as you are.

The worst type of relationship is that one where you have to lie to yourself about how wonderful it is. You’re constantly telling yourself that things might be bad now, but at least they’re getting better. WRONG! There is no way that you can change someone. By the time an adult hits the full grown age of 22 or somewhere around there, do you really expect them to change into the ideal person that you want them to be? Heck no. Would a dragonfly ever devolve into it’s nymph stage? Heck No. Once you’re a real person, you’ve pretty much become the person that you are going to be for all eternity and there is really no one who would change that. Once someone is stuck in their scrubbish ways and he has mastered the ways of manipulation to get favors, things and in your pants. If you’re dating that scrub, there is little chance that all of a sudden he’ll decide to turn his life around and become a doctor. When you’re still riding this bliss of this fantasy life, start listening to your friends.

I once knew a girl who somehow got emotionally entangled with this white piece of baby daddy trailer trash. I’ve seen some wonderfully constructed trailers in my day, but he was not living in one of them. The one time she invited me to his “house” to indulge in some underage drinking, his roommates were literally playing darts with knives and some chick gave me a cigarette burn as a baby was crying in the next room. I don’t know about you, but this is not exactly my ideal habitat. But somehow, my friend was in love with the slum of the slums. For three years this poor girl ignored my warnings of his crumminess (antonym: yuminess) and waited until the baby mama pushed her down a flight of stairs. This girl did not even suspect her trip. And even after this disaster, she begged him to take her back. I just don’t understand why beautiful women subject themselves to so much unnecessary trauma.

You’re friends are there for a reason. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be your friends and they would let you date the trash accumulating in the gutters of America. But no, your friends want the best for you because there is that mutual respect that you also want the best for them. When you don’t listen to your friends advice, especially when they are honestly telling you off with your best interest at heart, you’re basically ignoring every premise of a decent relationship. Girls never want to see other girls unhappy because we are typically so empathetic that we don’t want to see ourselves in the shitty relationship as well. No girl should have so suffer.

Us ladies are all looking out for the best things to happen for the ladies because honestly, we deserve better than the slums of the earth.


Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #17: If you must do the ugly girl cry, like masterbating, it must be done alone.

26 May

The shower is another acceptable place to ugly girl cry (and pee!). Feeling those salty tears and watery snot wash away down the drain only gives me more comfort that no one will see me or notice my makeup’s smudged from tears. This cry does not happen often and towards men, it is a weapon of mass destruction. For you to fully understand what ugly girl cry I am talking about, I’ll write up a Webster for you:

Ugly Girl Cry: This cry is a cry so emotionally murderous that it cannot be contained. They eyes turn beet red and sometimes swell to the point of resembling a crack in the nut of a pistachio. Very tiny eyes. Imagine cutting open a tomato. Now the nose becomes it’s own submerging island of watery snotsickles. Snot drips out of the nose making icicles like a Canadian rooftop despite the mountain of tissues building in the girl’s lap. This is a never ending flow and I don’t even want to get into what happens when tissues run out. The mouth becomes a gaping volcano of emotion. Place your bottom lip directly behind your top teeth and inhale rapidly in hyperventilative gasps; the noise should sound like a repetitive “FAFAFAFAFA” or the clipping of a baseball card on a bike spoke. You should feel constraint around your throat if you’re doing it right. Breaths are loud, trivial and usually unsuccessful, which is why this cry usually causes hiccups or yawning.

One reason that you want to do this miserable cry in private is because you will not be able to formulate words, much less a sentence. When you are pathetically wailing and cannot even explain yourself, it leaves everyone around you with a feeling of extreme confusion. If you can’t explain yourself, then how in the world are they supposed to comfort you? It’s hard enough to comfort someone who is victim to the crash-coarse of fate and you know why they’re crying. But with the ugly girl cry, they won’t know whether to leave you alone or comfort you so they just stay in the corner and stare to make sure you don’t do anything drastic. This will not help the solution. The last thing you need when you ugly girl cry is people staring. They’ll probably take pictures and post it on Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Who knew that a nose could create that much snot??

Also, this cry is poison for men. Maybe it will make them sit around and listen to you for a while, but the second they leave, they’re just going to talk to their friends about how this crazy woman did the ugly girl cry so now he has to go pick up sluts at the bar.

On second thought, if he’s extremely attractive, do the ugly cry and send him to go pick me up at the bar. Thank you readers!

Rule #16: Whiskey heals all wounds.

26 May

But seriously it’s a great disinfectant.

Ohhh you thought that I meant emotional wounds. Sure that can work too.

Some people say that time heals all wounds, and I’m sure that it does, but what makes time go faster? BOOZE. Whiskey just happens to be mine of choice. Rum and Vodka are also good choices. But not tequila, tequila is a horrid choice unless if you want to immediately black out, take off all your clothes, eat an entire pizza in an alley and then get taken home by a cop car (maybe that’s just me). 

A few of my friends call the experience of a blackout “time travel” because one second you are sitting (alone?) with a beer in your hand and the next second you’re waking up in the future. So really, if time heals all wounds and then whiskey has a tendency to make you fast forward through time, then theoretically, whiskey heals all wounds.

After a breakup, the only thing that you need is to stop thinking about the other person. This wonderful mind clearing technique that I call Jim Beam on the rocks will cure most emotional pain with few side effects: headache, sensitivity to noise and light and children, tendency to overeat and regret. Just make sure that when you go out, you keep your mind occupied with things other than how much you miss your ex. Play darts or make out with some random on the dance floor. Whatever you do, do not think about your ex. Whiskey also has the tendency to make you want to cry.=, but you do not want to get caught doing the “ugly girl cry” at a bar somewhere (see Rule #17). The ugly girl cry is the exact opposite of the emotionally stable person that you are trying to be.

Withholding the fact that you might become an alcoholic, this whiskey cure usually works for most emotional pain.