Tag Archives: funny

Rule #29: If you must fart, then either be respectful or sneaky about it.

13 Jun

I was a vegetarian for 4 years. The only meat I would touch was a beef stick, and not the kind you find in a convenience store either. Unless if you found it in a convenience store and he wasn’t a hick and you took him home immediately. So a sort of penis beef stick.

After that four years was up, for some reason my values and morals flew out the door and I began fucking up a storm and eating meat like the world was ending. Sometimes eating and fucking at the same time!

But the things that meat can do to a body that has forgotten how to digest meat. Apparently there is a special enzyme that your body evolves when you’re eating it on a regular basis, however, my body took a few months to remember how to break it down. Now it’s breaking it down like Chris Brown…I digress. During that strange transitional period, I could usually contain my gas outbreaks to the privacy of my own home and the confines of my own private bathroom…except when beer was involved. When do I pick up guys? Usually when beer is involved. Allow me to humiliate myself further by stating the following example of what a woman should not act like:

I was out to the bars one fateful night when suddenly a dashing young man offered to buy me drinks. Wanting to impress him by not drinking what I should have ordered, I went with a nice stout Guiness. This is a drink that should probably just stick to loggers, the Irish and maybe a few Germans. But alas, with my need to prove that I am different than all other girls, I asked for the manliest beer that I could think of: an Irish Stout. I may have gotten bonus points with the beer, but what happened next could not be overshadowed regardless of how much of my tatas were hanging out. There was this mini-stage that my friends and I were standing on. It elevated us to a good two feet above everyone else in the bar and I felt a big one building pressure within the depths of my bowels. I tried holding it back which just gets uncomfortable and I figured that if I let it out now, then it wouldn’t come back to haunt me later…in bed. BOMBS AWAY! Little did I know that the able bodied man buying me drinks was on that lower level buying round #2 and had turned around just in time to get the brunt force of my atomic fart directly in his face, showering his nostrils and open mouth with my toxic exorcism. Ladies and gentlemen, it went a little something like this:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PFKH3sNe9bQ/TKYiYKtXkuI/AAAAAAAAAAg/5wZxmuIdVhM/s1600/fart_southpark1.gif

The poor guy was defenseless against my air raid…his mouth was open and everything! He hops up on stage to hand me my second glass of butt poison and asks me the dreaded question: Did you just fart? Now, I hate lying. Especially to men that I might take home; it’s not a good way to start off the one night stand. So I did what I always do when I feel awkward: Lay on the sarcasm. I could have blamed the dog, or one of the other drunks; but instead I say “Oh yeah…that was tooooooooooooooooootally me.” This way, I still tell the truth, however the truth is highly misconstrued because of the sarcasm laced within my words. My cover might have been blown when my best friend bursted out in laughter…but he still took me home.

As it turns out, boobs can cover up flatulence!

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #23: Only offer a threesome if you are fully aware of the consequences.

29 May

I have a personal rule that I will never offer up a threesome unless if I am the third stranger. You don’t want to deal with being jealous that the guy likes the other girl more or trying to deal with two wieners. That’s a lot of wiener. But we can debate the logistics of the ideal threesome later. This post will be delving in on the idea of offering a threesome when you are not ready. Be cautious in this situation because once a man hears the possibility of a threesome, he will stop at nothing to get his cock doubly pounded.

My girls and I had planned a double birthday party with hotel and VIP section at an exclusive club. Needless to say, we got drunker than the Irish on St. Patty’s Day. We’re at the club and for some reason the best looking guy there was a promoter so I figured that that would be a fairly safe bet to get a phone number and perhaps a date the following day. Apparently club promoters are paid to flirt with the ladies so I shamelessly flirted. Except my slutty friend flirted, too. I don’t blame her because the boy looked like Usher. Somewhere between free shots of Grey Goose from the promoter and my Best Friend singing “Confessions Pt. 2” about nine times, yes to his face, the subject of threesomes was brought up. I blame it on the fact that my slutty friend and I were both fondling him from opposite sides. We’re not the type of girl to fight over a man, so I guess we were fine with sharing. At least when we were drunk. I’ll be perfectly honest and say that I don’t remember the entire conversation on how the threesome came about, but even if the conversation didn’t happen, the idea was enforced by our actions.

The VIP section at this club was not necessarily designed for the type of dancing that we wanted to do, so we decided to jet. We danced all night and went back to the hotel to gorge ourselves on pizza. This was a girls only event. Go ahead, picture girls in panties jumping around and flinging pillows at each other with mounds of pizza rolling off of our jaws. Slobbery slices of pizza. As I was passing out, I received a text that said “threesome” from a “Rover.” I guess the promoter’s name was Rover…so much for Usher. I was obviously not prepared to follow through on the threesome, especially not with my slutty friend (even though she is awfully sexy, I don’t think I would be able to please her womanly needs) so I fell asleep. My Best Friend, however, thought that I was ready. She called him and drunkenly ranted “I would totally have a threesome with you! I want your BBC in every orifice I own and my friend’s! Come over! We’re at the Hilton! Just come down to the lobby and I’ll come and get you.” Rover thought that was my voice talking. When he called back, my best friend wakes me up to tell me that Rover was downstairs waiting for me. Sleep or awkward late night, stinky pizza drunk sex. I didn’t really have an option since my automatic response to liquor past 4am is to pass out and that I did.

So now, due to my unconventional methods of offering a threesome, I can no longer have amazing single partner sex with an Usher lookalike neither can I get free shots of Goose. If anything, I’d take the Goose because I can always flick the bean to the real Usher.

Rule #19: Customize your voicemail…in a very sexy way.

26 May

This is the best thing you can do when screening your calls. You meet a sexy guy at a bar, but you were plastered, so you want to seem sexy in your voicemail without actually talking to him. This way, he is still attracted to you as he invites you do dinner or wonders which is the best approach to get you alone. Either way, you want to give him the impression that you are sexy, mysterious, attainable yet unavailable. You’re now in the upper seat because he is obviously magnetized to you, now more than ever due to the sexy voicemail, but you have time to respond to whatever voicemail he leaves you and think if this guy is worth your time at all. Also, after the first date, you want to seem capable of giving multiple orgasms why still not too eager. The sexy voicemail helps with this, too. Doesn’t help with Grandma and the will however, so just make sure you answer her phone calls.

You’re probably wondering how to leave such a seductive voicemail, and I’m sure that you are fully capable of creating your own masterpiece, but here is a general outline to get you started.

I. Lower your voice by two octaves.

It’s science. Men have historically only listened to men talk during the hunt and would only meet up with woman to mate. If you speak to them at their level, they are more likely to be intrigued by what you are saying. And ladies, we have forever been complaining about how men never listen. It’s because of that rumor going around that men love to hear that baby voice. To that I must say nay nay. As a woman naturally gifted with a male post pubescent voice, I have never had a problem with men listening to me. Ok that’s a lie, but this is actual science. Look at the diagram! So yes, lower your voice ladies and you will most definitely catch their attention. If they think you’re strange, at least you now have their attention, and that is something that cannot be replaced with tender loving kisses.

II. Smoke at least a pack of cigarettes beforehand.

To relate back to the days when men would only hunt, to have the most success in the hunt, they would go for the most attainable catch. So what we need to do to catch a decent man is to make ourselves like the weakest gazelle. We need to appear sick and defenseless, and maybe even slow. The best cure that I can find for decent health is to smoke cigarettes. And meth, but I have not ventured to those heights of self-destruction yet, but feel free! Cigarettes will make you sick, weakening your defenses and you might even be a little slow if you are allowing this argument convince you to smoke cigarettes. You are very much on the long and narrow path to making yourself appear to be the perfect woman via voicemail. Sickly is key.

III. The appeal is in the words.

I don’t know how to tell you what to say without telling you what to say:

“Leave a message after the tone, then I’ll see if we can bone!”

“Sorry I missed you, I’ll suck it ’til it’s blue.”

“I think you’re sexy, perhaps you should text me.”

“Hello, if this is TreySongz, leave a message now. If this is anyone else, please hang up now.”

“I’m too busy being hot, don’t leave a message if you’re not.”

Now you should be fully equipped with everything you need to be that unavailable temptress that you NEED to portray in your voicemail. Enjoy all of the social enhancements that it brings your way.

Rule #1: If you must cheat, cheat up.

24 May

I’m about as big of fan of cheating as I am of being constipated. It is not fun to do the cheating or be cheated on (to continue the metaphor, it’s not fun to squeeze a turd or be the turd being squeezed out).  My first relationship was when I was 18. It happened so late in life  because I was extremely unfortunate looking in high school.  Not ugly, no, but it’s amazing what a pair of cargo shorts, braces and untrimmed hair can do for your sex appeal. I would like to think that my late blooming arranged for me to develop a sense of humor to cope with the fact that all of my friends had boys to waddle by at middle school dances while I was off in the corner hitting a volleyball against the wall.  If we wanted to really get creative here, we can imagine that an angry witch saw my beauty as a baby and cast a spell of monstrosity against me to protect my tender youthful years from all the dangers of beauty turning you into a rampant slut. Anyways, when I turned 18 the spell of my ugly youth had been lifted.  I had my first boyfriend and I was convinced that we were meant to be. His name was Seth and he was as dorky as he was bowlegged. We really understand each other, you know…YOU KNOW?! That’s what he told me anyways until a pregnancy test accidentally rolled out of his pocket and into my world as a sign that men can never be trusted. I was obviously a virgin.

Allow me to describe his ex-girlfriend/woman he was pounding on the side. She was a dandruff ridden mongol with exposed gums, bee stings where her boobettes should be and an arid emotional deficiency. Excuse my rudeness, but whenever a girl is left for another, isn’t it in our nature to tear the other apart? It’s literally in our genes from the caveman days to compete for men. If you had no man to defend you and provide for you, how is your vagina supposed to feed itself?!?

Now, as I had recently bloomed into perky boobs and a still had that teenager skinny sex-pot of a body, I was so confused. I had spent 18 years evolving my personality so that I did not have to worry about looks, and now I was a total package! I could be someone’s perfect mate, but I am not acceptable even at my prime? The lesson learned here is that looks are irrelevant when it comes to chemistry.  One lesson learned here, anyways. If a man-boy has felt strong emotional ties to a woman-girl for quite some time, it is nearly impossible to sever those ties, even if you swear she has fleas.

Back to the premise of this rule.  This experience has no doubt left me emotionally scarred.  I had thought that I was unstoppable, and in retrospect, I was and still am. Power to the woman who can be hurt, but jump right back in the game and still get men to flock to her like the salmon of Capistrano!  But there are those dark days where I sit and wonder, even if I was the perfect woman, why is it that he chose her? I would feel a lot better about myself if he would have delighted himself in the tenderloins of Jessica Biel or some other knockout, because then I would know that he wasn’t interested in me because of my looks. To cheat on an me with an ugly woman, however, undermines everything about myself that I had been trying to perfect for the first long and painfully awkward years of my life. At least my looks, I can’t really change. I can become Mary-Kate Olsen skinny or be looking like Precious, but I’m still the same girl.  I’ve always thought that if I stuck to my guns and just be the best person that I could possibly be, I would end up with the guy. And live in a castle. Apparently not. Looks can’t help you win a man and neither can your personality. What it comes down to is chemistry and timing; but even that is still up for debate.

A lot of things about the world are still up for debate. But as a favor from everyone in this world to everyone in this world. If you must cheat on someone, please cheat with someone who is clearly better than the one you are with. Otherwise, you leave the other person constantly debating with themselves about their worth as an individual without ever finding a definite answer as to what could possibly be the matter with them. I still have yet to pinpoint my flaws, perhaps there wasn’t one and we just didn’t have the right chemistry, but I will always question myself and what I am doing wrong in the relationship. Never cheat, but if you do, do it for simple reasons, like the new man is built like Goliath or inherited millions worth of daddy’s money. Make it obvious to the other person why they are so imperfect. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were both dating other people when they met, and when they did meet, the chemistry was so intense that they got a cab and immediately started going at it. But at least Ellen’s girlfriend can say “Oh well I get it, she’s dating a super model now.” and Portia’s ex can say “Ellen is fucking hilarious, I get it.” Make it obvious to the other person what they are lacking. Please don’t cheat with someone who is crusty and has a gaping hole where their personality should be.

P.S. Three years later, he apologized to me over Facebook chat. This leads me to believe that I perhaps have nothing wrong with me and he was just the asshole. But would an asshole apologize? Back to square one.