Tag Archives: girlfriends

Rule #28: If all of your friends tell you to leave him, do it.

13 Jun

If just one of your friends is hell bent on breaking the two of you up, she either wants you all to herself or she’s fucking him. Be wary of these backstabbing father fuckers.

We’ve all been there. Been in that type of blissful love where you are completely unaware that the boy can shit anything other than 24 karats. If the guy is shitting gold, chances are he’s not eating right. Either way, something is off. Granted, every once and a while Mr. Perfect comes along. If that’s the case, then bravo Cinderella and I wish you many years of encore.

Maybe your boyfriend is a scrub that doesn’t have a car and needs you to drive him everywhere and buy him things. If this is the case, your friends should be telling you to dump his ass. If they aren’t then they’re in as much denial as you are.

The worst type of relationship is that one where you have to lie to yourself about how wonderful it is. You’re constantly telling yourself that things might be bad now, but at least they’re getting better. WRONG! There is no way that you can change someone. By the time an adult hits the full grown age of 22 or somewhere around there, do you really expect them to change into the ideal person that you want them to be? Heck no. Would a dragonfly ever devolve into it’s nymph stage? Heck No. Once you’re a real person, you’ve pretty much become the person that you are going to be for all eternity and there is really no one who would change that. Once someone is stuck in their scrubbish ways and he has mastered the ways of manipulation to get favors, things and in your pants. If you’re dating that scrub, there is little chance that all of a sudden he’ll decide to turn his life around and become a doctor. When you’re still riding this bliss of this fantasy life, start listening to your friends.

I once knew a girl who somehow got emotionally entangled with this white piece of baby daddy trailer trash. I’ve seen some wonderfully constructed trailers in my day, but he was not living in one of them. The one time she invited me to his “house” to indulge in some underage drinking, his roommates were literally playing darts with knives and some chick gave me a cigarette burn as a baby was crying in the next room. I don’t know about you, but this is not exactly my ideal habitat. But somehow, my friend was in love with the slum of the slums. For three years this poor girl ignored my warnings of his crumminess (antonym: yuminess) and waited until the baby mama pushed her down a flight of stairs. This girl did not even suspect her trip. And even after this disaster, she begged him to take her back. I just don’t understand why beautiful women subject themselves to so much unnecessary trauma.

You’re friends are there for a reason. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be your friends and they would let you date the trash accumulating in the gutters of America. But no, your friends want the best for you because there is that mutual respect that you also want the best for them. When you don’t listen to your friends advice, especially when they are honestly telling you off with your best interest at heart, you’re basically ignoring every premise of a decent relationship. Girls never want to see other girls unhappy because we are typically so empathetic that we don’t want to see ourselves in the shitty relationship as well. No girl should have so suffer.

Us ladies are all looking out for the best things to happen for the ladies because honestly, we deserve better than the slums of the earth.

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #4: If you think that they’re too good looking, remember that they still have a penis.

24 May

One fateful night, I met this model type broad…shouldered man. Oh he was beautiful, sculpted like a Greek statue with lips that looked like they belonged on every part of me. His name was Jonas, like a sexier, taller version of those prick musicians. Except his friend was the one putting on the moves; call him Buddyguy. His friend was pretty alright looking and the sexy Greek guy wasn’t even giving me the time of day, despite my brand new dress from JCPenny’s. Everyone loves a turtleneck.  After a few rounds beer pong, probably played with Smirnoff Black, I was good and plastered. It was about that time of night where my carriage turns into a pumpkin so I had to get my tiny little buttcheeks outta there. Buddyguy decided that it was about time that we exchanged numbers, except by some miracle I knocked his phone out of his hands.  Being the hipster prick that he was, he says “well I guess you can’t have my number now.” I don’t handle rejection well, especially not in stupid situations that men seem to throw themselves in. So I say “Fine. I’ll just have his then.” Pulled the old switcharoo on the old boys! Then I ran off and left one of my fancy glass slippers behind. Shoot, it’s so hard to find those in the right size…

My blazed beyond humanity wing woman warned me not to get my hopes up because those men were far too beautiful to ever give girls like us the time of day. That must have been the green talking because guess who called the very next night…besides my mother. That’s right, Jonas. Not the brothers either. Not only did he call, but sent the invitation to a party. This first party led to a long string of summer flings; mostly just one night stands. It never evolved into anything, however, because the boy simply did not talk. He was actually a Greek statue! But unlike the David, his penis worked. But all this is besides the point. Men will call, no matter how beautiful, if they want to get laid. You can take it as an ego boost that you can get with really attractive men, I certainly did, but if that essential chemistry isn’t there the relationship is a big load of hooey.

Rule #2: All boobs are relative

24 May

Boobettes are boobettes and girls are girls.

Yes, you heard me.

In simplicity, this is the easiest way to describe how girls react. At the very core, we all kinda want the same thing.  Sometimes situations simply put us as odds against each other. We all just want to find our own way and be happy.

When girls sit there and talk about how they hate girls, they are just reinforcing the competition that we have with each other.  That toe-up simple bitch with the receding hair and gum line from Rule #1 is undoubtedly talking the same shit about me too.  And that’s perfectly fine. Hatred makes things interesting, and I’m beginning to believe that it is almost healthy to have that competition with other ladies. It keeps us on our toes, so why fight it? When you have girl fights, make it a movie. Make it as dramatic as possible. As long as there is a mutual understanding of the hatred, fair game I say! Eventually, things will blow over. And at the end of the day, do you really care what that squirrelly little simple bitch has to say about you? No, her opinion doesn’t matter because she’s ugly and I hate her. If you must have drama with girls, make it well worthwhile because that will make things more interesting. Or ignore it. Either method will aid in your survival.

Along the same lines of hating other girls, the ones worth loving, please do everything in your power to keep them loving you.  It is so hard to find a friend that will wipe the puke from your face after you’ve drank too much, not get angry when you accidentally ruin (or lose, or puke on) her new shoes and show up at your place with M&Ms when you’ve had your heart broken. When you find a friend like this, DON’T EVER LET GO ROSE!  Girls are far more likely to stick around if you get fat or ugly or insane.  Probably because they always have the option to walk away for a bit then come back.  Or because there is that mutual fear that we will all get fat or ugly or insane; it’s simply impending age.  You will never find a better love than one between true friends, so probably don’t go lesbian and fuck her either. Fucking has a tendency to ruin friendships.

Not to be so pessimistic. What I want to be clear about is that I don’t naturally hate girls, but there are some really annoying ones. I know that most of the annoying ones are probably saying the same thing about me. They can’t be trusted. So when you find that friend that you can trust, trust her and treat her well. Girls will always be good to you if you are good to them. Ahhh the Golden Rule.

Fuck boys, girls rule the world.