Tag Archives: girls

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #2: All boobs are relative

24 May

Boobettes are boobettes and girls are girls.

Yes, you heard me.

In simplicity, this is the easiest way to describe how girls react. At the very core, we all kinda want the same thing.  Sometimes situations simply put us as odds against each other. We all just want to find our own way and be happy.

When girls sit there and talk about how they hate girls, they are just reinforcing the competition that we have with each other.  That toe-up simple bitch with the receding hair and gum line from Rule #1 is undoubtedly talking the same shit about me too.  And that’s perfectly fine. Hatred makes things interesting, and I’m beginning to believe that it is almost healthy to have that competition with other ladies. It keeps us on our toes, so why fight it? When you have girl fights, make it a movie. Make it as dramatic as possible. As long as there is a mutual understanding of the hatred, fair game I say! Eventually, things will blow over. And at the end of the day, do you really care what that squirrelly little simple bitch has to say about you? No, her opinion doesn’t matter because she’s ugly and I hate her. If you must have drama with girls, make it well worthwhile because that will make things more interesting. Or ignore it. Either method will aid in your survival.

Along the same lines of hating other girls, the ones worth loving, please do everything in your power to keep them loving you.  It is so hard to find a friend that will wipe the puke from your face after you’ve drank too much, not get angry when you accidentally ruin (or lose, or puke on) her new shoes and show up at your place with M&Ms when you’ve had your heart broken. When you find a friend like this, DON’T EVER LET GO ROSE!  Girls are far more likely to stick around if you get fat or ugly or insane.  Probably because they always have the option to walk away for a bit then come back.  Or because there is that mutual fear that we will all get fat or ugly or insane; it’s simply impending age.  You will never find a better love than one between true friends, so probably don’t go lesbian and fuck her either. Fucking has a tendency to ruin friendships.

Not to be so pessimistic. What I want to be clear about is that I don’t naturally hate girls, but there are some really annoying ones. I know that most of the annoying ones are probably saying the same thing about me. They can’t be trusted. So when you find that friend that you can trust, trust her and treat her well. Girls will always be good to you if you are good to them. Ahhh the Golden Rule.

Fuck boys, girls rule the world.