Tag Archives: guiness

Rule #29: If you must fart, then either be respectful or sneaky about it.

13 Jun

I was a vegetarian for 4 years. The only meat I would touch was a beef stick, and not the kind you find in a convenience store either. Unless if you found it in a convenience store and he wasn’t a hick and you took him home immediately. So a sort of penis beef stick.

After that four years was up, for some reason my values and morals flew out the door and I began fucking up a storm and eating meat like the world was ending. Sometimes eating and fucking at the same time!

But the things that meat can do to a body that has forgotten how to digest meat. Apparently there is a special enzyme that your body evolves when you’re eating it on a regular basis, however, my body took a few months to remember how to break it down. Now it’s breaking it down like Chris Brown…I digress. During that strange transitional period, I could usually contain my gas outbreaks to the privacy of my own home and the confines of my own private bathroom…except when beer was involved. When do I pick up guys? Usually when beer is involved. Allow me to humiliate myself further by stating the following example of what a woman should not act like:

I was out to the bars one fateful night when suddenly a dashing young man offered to buy me drinks. Wanting to impress him by not drinking what I should have ordered, I went with a nice stout Guiness. This is a drink that should probably just stick to loggers, the Irish and maybe a few Germans. But alas, with my need to prove that I am different than all other girls, I asked for the manliest beer that I could think of: an Irish Stout. I may have gotten bonus points with the beer, but what happened next could not be overshadowed regardless of how much of my tatas were hanging out. There was this mini-stage that my friends and I were standing on. It elevated us to a good two feet above everyone else in the bar and I felt a big one building pressure within the depths of my bowels. I tried holding it back which just gets uncomfortable and I figured that if I let it out now, then it wouldn’t come back to haunt me later…in bed. BOMBS AWAY! Little did I know that the able bodied man buying me drinks was on that lower level buying round #2 and had turned around just in time to get the brunt force of my atomic fart directly in his face, showering his nostrils and open mouth with my toxic exorcism. Ladies and gentlemen, it went a little something like this:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PFKH3sNe9bQ/TKYiYKtXkuI/AAAAAAAAAAg/5wZxmuIdVhM/s1600/fart_southpark1.gif

The poor guy was defenseless against my air raid…his mouth was open and everything! He hops up on stage to hand me my second glass of butt poison and asks me the dreaded question: Did you just fart? Now, I hate lying. Especially to men that I might take home; it’s not a good way to start off the one night stand. So I did what I always do when I feel awkward: Lay on the sarcasm. I could have blamed the dog, or one of the other drunks; but instead I say “Oh yeah…that was tooooooooooooooooootally me.” This way, I still tell the truth, however the truth is highly misconstrued because of the sarcasm laced within my words. My cover might have been blown when my best friend bursted out in laughter…but he still took me home.

As it turns out, boobs can cover up flatulence!