Tag Archives: hookups

Rule #32: There are six hookups always rendering an applause.

2 Aug

1. The “fuck you” hookup.

This is the most vindictive hookup known to mankind. This is the hookup that must be completed in a stylish manner, and probably won’t include sex. The significant thing here is that you make an impression. Imagine that guy in high school that never gave you the time of day since your butt cheeks weren’t hanging out of your cheer uniform. Years later, he’s probably still stuck in high school mode like I’m stuck on Ganondorf’s castle in Zelda Ocarina of Time (if this metaphor is lost on you, please sit down and spend some bonding time with your N64. Don’t know what your N64 is? Then please tell me you at least know what Tiger Heli is…). So here’s the scene: He is still wearing his Hollister polos and puka shells. When he sees you looking stunning, perhaps in a body-conscious red number, he’ll probably walk over to you and say “I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch.” That’s probably not you anymore, but still, you have engaged in full throttle womanly seduction; something the teenage version of you may have never understood. To fully glorify that version of you and finally close the chapter of your teenage years filled with yearning for men unattainable. By teasing this meathead all night and finally planting a wet one on him and then not giving him your number you have just vindicated every insecurity that plagued the most awkward and painful years of your life. By planting that kiss you’re taking the beast of adolescence and slaughtering at the offering table…the final sacrifice you need to make to your eternal womanhood.

2. The rebound.

Girl, you’re hurting. Breakups suck. But sometimes you need to take off the mourning veils for your failed relationship (and granny panties) and just ride that horse. Don’t literally fuck a horse…I’ve heard bad things happen. But say now, a man hung like a horse…nothing will snap your head back to the life of a single woman like a penis so big that it pokes your lungs. That first fuck after a breakup is so monumental because you are reclaiming your rights. You no longer have to obey the rules of simply one wang, but the will of your almighty vagina. Give that vagina a treat so you can finally get on the path to find the next mister right.

3. The revenge.

I personally like to cut my ex out of my life completely, but if you feel better fucking his friends and it gives you some validation to your appeal as a woman, then HIGH FIVE! Go get ’em girl! But keep in mind; this may destroy all visions he had of you as being the one that got away. I always feel guilty when I use sex as a weapon against the formidable ex, but I could totally understand the need to feed the rage monster by sexing the people that will definitely tell your ex that you’re still great in bed.

3. Stature.

I guess that stature would also include sleeping with your boss, but things get dicey there…especially when your boss is a woman. But if you think it will help you get ahead, then it’s worth a shot? This is more of a situational thing, obviously.

4. Extreme Beauty.

I would fuck Enrique Iglesias to say that I fucked Enrique Iglesias. You can let him know, too. Sometimes you just need to take that chance, because he’s sexy. I don’t care what anyone says; if you sleep with someone that sexy, that’s a story that you can brag to your grandchildren about! There are millions of woman that would love to sleep with this glorious specimen, and probably millions that have. But girl, take yourself out of the ranks of masterbating dreamers and take that man to bed.

5. Tricky places.

It would be hard to fuck in an elevator. Or in the locker room of a professional sports team. Or on a site of an archeological dig. The trickier the place, the more professional of a sex athlete you are. Once you have a list of tricky places that you’ve done the nasty, it’s like beating all the dungeons in Zelda Ocarina of Time (If you still don’t know what this is, please, quality time with your N64. I insist.) Having sex all over the world is much similar to the Olympics, you’ve got to collect your medals and baby, there are plenty of events to master!

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #18: If a guy asks you to watch a movie alone, expect only to watch your self-respect drain out of your perchina.

26 May

I mean, if you want an easy hook-up, take the easy hookup. And perhaps this spur of the moment, no planning or alcohol needed booty call is exactly what the doctor ordered! I’ve never been a girl to shoot another down when it comes to making reality out of sexual fantasy.  However be cautious to not let too many star penises get sucked into the blackhole of a perchina you’ve got there. Not because you shouldn’t be getting ass all the time, but that’s what a boyfriend is for and you don’t want to delve into that whole mess of a universe. Ugh, relationships. I’m getting off track.

In this whole movie situation chances are he either is too shy to make a real move and buy you a fucking dinner or he thinks your an easy lay and doesn’t want to waste money on dinner anyways. Times are tough in this economy people! If it weren’t for an inexpensive monthly payment movie alternative, some people would never get laid! Movie-togetherness time makes it so easy for attempts at baby making. Think of the ideal situation for you to pleasure one another: lights are dim, but not off (you still have to be able to check to see if the other person is up to your level of attraction and oh uh yeah to check them for ticks and rashes), a secluded room with some sensual music tuning out all the squishing noises. Now, what is the room like when you watch a movie alone together?? The movie creates the background music while creating the perfect amount of shifting light for you to check the other person out while still not worrying about your potential (but not likely) flaws. It’s the warm front to a perfect storm.

There was once a boy in my dormitory. We had been talking, you know, talking for a few weeks but nothing had come of it. Maybe the little shit couldn’t afford dinner. But he had visited me at work and diligently texted me. When he asked me to do the movie thing alone in his dorm with the lights off and the door locked, no romance happened but a lot of kissing and maybe some heavy rubbing. I say no romance because we were both just trying to get our own nut. That is not how good hookups happen. It seemed so…how you say…forced? I blame the situation. We felt that since we were watching a movie alone together we might as well be going at it. I swiftly changed my mind when I found out that he thought my clit was somewhere between my knee and panty line. Not even joking.

Now I wonder: If this is how he always hooked up with girls, by making them fall into his little trap, then how could he not learn how to please a woman? Oh yeah, probably because he doesn’t care enough to take her on a real date. If he can’t even do that, then how will he respectfully apply the proper lube??

So take it or leave it, but just know that you will be hooking up if there was any amount of flirting between the two of you beforehand.

Rule #4: If you think that they’re too good looking, remember that they still have a penis.

24 May

One fateful night, I met this model type broad…shouldered man. Oh he was beautiful, sculpted like a Greek statue with lips that looked like they belonged on every part of me. His name was Jonas, like a sexier, taller version of those prick musicians. Except his friend was the one putting on the moves; call him Buddyguy. His friend was pretty alright looking and the sexy Greek guy wasn’t even giving me the time of day, despite my brand new dress from JCPenny’s. Everyone loves a turtleneck.  After a few rounds beer pong, probably played with Smirnoff Black, I was good and plastered. It was about that time of night where my carriage turns into a pumpkin so I had to get my tiny little buttcheeks outta there. Buddyguy decided that it was about time that we exchanged numbers, except by some miracle I knocked his phone out of his hands.  Being the hipster prick that he was, he says “well I guess you can’t have my number now.” I don’t handle rejection well, especially not in stupid situations that men seem to throw themselves in. So I say “Fine. I’ll just have his then.” Pulled the old switcharoo on the old boys! Then I ran off and left one of my fancy glass slippers behind. Shoot, it’s so hard to find those in the right size…

My blazed beyond humanity wing woman warned me not to get my hopes up because those men were far too beautiful to ever give girls like us the time of day. That must have been the green talking because guess who called the very next night…besides my mother. That’s right, Jonas. Not the brothers either. Not only did he call, but sent the invitation to a party. This first party led to a long string of summer flings; mostly just one night stands. It never evolved into anything, however, because the boy simply did not talk. He was actually a Greek statue! But unlike the David, his penis worked. But all this is besides the point. Men will call, no matter how beautiful, if they want to get laid. You can take it as an ego boost that you can get with really attractive men, I certainly did, but if that essential chemistry isn’t there the relationship is a big load of hooey.