Tag Archives: laugh

Rule #30: Love the person that you are becoming

13 Jun

You’re still becoming her and you will be until the very day that you die.

I’m only saying her because my blog is pink, this could easily be directed to men.

There is a difference between loving the woman that you’ll become versus loving the person you are. If you love the person that you are, well good for you! You’ll only get bored eventually, so keep a goal of the ideal self that you want to be. It is having this goal of a person that you are trying to become that keeps you motivated to keep improving, it’s inspiration to make something better for yourself. Do you think Angelina Jolie thought “oh well now that I’ve got a hot body, I can probably cool it” Or “I’m flipping Lara Croft, ain’t nobody gunna top this” or “I just stole Brad Pitt from freaking Jennifer Aniston!” No, she went out and adopted kids with him and then made him put a ring on it. And I will roll over and die if that woman stops improving. She is constantly working on a new goal and making herself a better woman. Don’t you dare say that you’re not Angelina. That bitch is weird, but she keeps her shit together and I bet if you ask her, every day she gets happier. It’s that constant evolution that keeps you satisfied with yourself and that growth keeps you constantly intrigued and happy with who you are becoming. To use that cliche Emerson quote: “Life is a journey, not a destination.” It’s so hard to keep track of your long term goals if that is all you’re looking at. Be happy that you aced your college essay. But even more importantly, be happy that you cared enough about it to put in the effort. That effort and drive will make you happier than any stroke of luck that could happen to you. Except maybe backstage passes to Trey Songz which leads to marriage. That would be a very happy stroke of luck, but marriage to Trey Songz is a hefty goal of mine.

I once swore to myself that I would never do a job that I didn’t love. What I’m slowly realizing is that it’s not about the job at all. It’s about how you choose to spend your time. If you can make money while doing it, that’s awesome. No one lays on their death bed and asks for more money, they ask for time. It seems like something so simple. If it’s money that makes you happy, then go for the money (sometimes I just love counting it). If it’s love, then do everything in your power to make love happen. If it’s adventure, then get out and do something. You’re not going to accomplish much by sitting here and reading blog after blog. Go out and live your life, make things happen. Idealize the person that you want to be and get out there and work at it.

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Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

Rule #5: If you fart in the kitchen, you have to do the dishes.

24 May

Honestly, this is a common courtesy. The rule that was once used to trick my gassy kid brother into doing yet another chore has now become an effective tool with roommates. Nobody wants to hear their roommate flatulate, especially not when they are mowing down on the newest Ramen flavor. Ramen is bad enough already.

I once had a roommate whose buttcheeks vibrated like the earthquakes of Japan, except far more frequently. She also would leave her dishes until the water that she would soak them in became thick with ooey gooey bacteria. In retrospect, I could have chosen a better roommate. Also, our kitchen was joined with our living room, making the entire area a no-air biscuit zone. She still probably farted as much as Ren and Stimpy, but at least now I had a very valid reason to yell at her for farting and for leaving her dishes in the sink.

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you when I say that my kid brother is probably the only person who this rule is effective with, but you gain so much self validation from yelling at someone for being disgusting in two ways in the violation of one rule.

Ladies, if you’re married, this is a wonderful rule for husbands to obey since I’m sure none of you pass gas.

Rule #4: If you think that they’re too good looking, remember that they still have a penis.

24 May

One fateful night, I met this model type broad…shouldered man. Oh he was beautiful, sculpted like a Greek statue with lips that looked like they belonged on every part of me. His name was Jonas, like a sexier, taller version of those prick musicians. Except his friend was the one putting on the moves; call him Buddyguy. His friend was pretty alright looking and the sexy Greek guy wasn’t even giving me the time of day, despite my brand new dress from JCPenny’s. Everyone loves a turtleneck.  After a few rounds beer pong, probably played with Smirnoff Black, I was good and plastered. It was about that time of night where my carriage turns into a pumpkin so I had to get my tiny little buttcheeks outta there. Buddyguy decided that it was about time that we exchanged numbers, except by some miracle I knocked his phone out of his hands.  Being the hipster prick that he was, he says “well I guess you can’t have my number now.” I don’t handle rejection well, especially not in stupid situations that men seem to throw themselves in. So I say “Fine. I’ll just have his then.” Pulled the old switcharoo on the old boys! Then I ran off and left one of my fancy glass slippers behind. Shoot, it’s so hard to find those in the right size…

My blazed beyond humanity wing woman warned me not to get my hopes up because those men were far too beautiful to ever give girls like us the time of day. That must have been the green talking because guess who called the very next night…besides my mother. That’s right, Jonas. Not the brothers either. Not only did he call, but sent the invitation to a party. This first party led to a long string of summer flings; mostly just one night stands. It never evolved into anything, however, because the boy simply did not talk. He was actually a Greek statue! But unlike the David, his penis worked. But all this is besides the point. Men will call, no matter how beautiful, if they want to get laid. You can take it as an ego boost that you can get with really attractive men, I certainly did, but if that essential chemistry isn’t there the relationship is a big load of hooey.

Rule #2: All boobs are relative

24 May

Boobettes are boobettes and girls are girls.

Yes, you heard me.

In simplicity, this is the easiest way to describe how girls react. At the very core, we all kinda want the same thing.  Sometimes situations simply put us as odds against each other. We all just want to find our own way and be happy.

When girls sit there and talk about how they hate girls, they are just reinforcing the competition that we have with each other.  That toe-up simple bitch with the receding hair and gum line from Rule #1 is undoubtedly talking the same shit about me too.  And that’s perfectly fine. Hatred makes things interesting, and I’m beginning to believe that it is almost healthy to have that competition with other ladies. It keeps us on our toes, so why fight it? When you have girl fights, make it a movie. Make it as dramatic as possible. As long as there is a mutual understanding of the hatred, fair game I say! Eventually, things will blow over. And at the end of the day, do you really care what that squirrelly little simple bitch has to say about you? No, her opinion doesn’t matter because she’s ugly and I hate her. If you must have drama with girls, make it well worthwhile because that will make things more interesting. Or ignore it. Either method will aid in your survival.

Along the same lines of hating other girls, the ones worth loving, please do everything in your power to keep them loving you.  It is so hard to find a friend that will wipe the puke from your face after you’ve drank too much, not get angry when you accidentally ruin (or lose, or puke on) her new shoes and show up at your place with M&Ms when you’ve had your heart broken. When you find a friend like this, DON’T EVER LET GO ROSE!  Girls are far more likely to stick around if you get fat or ugly or insane.  Probably because they always have the option to walk away for a bit then come back.  Or because there is that mutual fear that we will all get fat or ugly or insane; it’s simply impending age.  You will never find a better love than one between true friends, so probably don’t go lesbian and fuck her either. Fucking has a tendency to ruin friendships.

Not to be so pessimistic. What I want to be clear about is that I don’t naturally hate girls, but there are some really annoying ones. I know that most of the annoying ones are probably saying the same thing about me. They can’t be trusted. So when you find that friend that you can trust, trust her and treat her well. Girls will always be good to you if you are good to them. Ahhh the Golden Rule.

Fuck boys, girls rule the world.