Tag Archives: movies

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.


Rule #24: Even underwear models have poopstreaks.

29 May

It’s hard to imagine that there could be anyone wrong with someone who looks like this:

Hello Daddy! I mean ideally, this man would rip you from reality and off into some magical land with castles and then you could bathe in the money that he makes from modeling together. However, I have noticed that men like this have been blessed with a child-like immaturity, obsession with body image and video games. Many of the reasons why we got along so well.

I fell for it. The tricks that he pulls on every girl in the whole wide world. When we met, I was with a friend. He got both of our numbers to seem nonchalant, or maybe to see if he could get with my friend if things didn’t work out with me. Men like to prey on little girls like that. He starts texting us both but continued texting me and I had to lie to my friend every time my phone buzzed because we were both under the spell of his defined abs and hulking biceps. He planned for a group of us to go see a B-rated horror film which he was raving about before and after the movie. But here is where his immaturity really shone through. My friend and I snuck away to the bathroom and while we were gone, he arranged the seating so that he was next to me on the end and my friend was sitting and snuggled between two of his bros. He couldn’t have made it more obvious that he was interested in me and wanted nothing to do with my friend. Sure he was sexy, but I have a conscience here. No one breaks my friend’s spirit that horribly. He definitely could have taken a less subtle approach, like, I dunno, not inviting her in the first place?? Alas, I was still under the spell of wonderfully defined body parts. We went to go and hang out at a mutual friends place where the douchiness escalated. He tries to pull that scary movie shit and tells me some ghost stories about his childhood and expects me to go leaping into his arms. I was still concerned about breaking it gently to my friend that I am the more desirable one in that situation. But really, she could have had one look at my ass and realized that it was no competition when it comes to chocolate men. When I didn’t go leaping into his arms after his deftly told ghost stories, he literally says to me “I’m super ticklish, don’t tickle me.” That is an invitation. Picture a muscly sculpture screaming at the top of his lungs “TICKLE ME!” Of coarse I did. He squealed like a piggy. What a character, right??

It came time that the night was winding down to an end and my friend was supposed to give me a ride home, but as we were walking out the door, he announces to her that he was going to give me a ride. So we crawl into his suped up VW 2006 Bug. Fly as a fly. After he blew me up with house music and then asked if I knew who deadmau5 was (um do you know who the Pope is?) we were finally in my driveway. He kindly walked me to my front door and asked if he could kiss me. I thought I would be coy and say no with a smile on my face. He took that as a direct no and got back in the car and scooted out of my neighborhood. And that is how you reject a male model ladies…on accident.

The most horrible thing about this story is that this wasn’t the last of him. He also pulled the ghost story, tickle me and then check out my awesome ride on my Best Friend, roommate and every girl at the club that he ever met. Apparently douche bag is the new form of steroids.

Rule #18: If a guy asks you to watch a movie alone, expect only to watch your self-respect drain out of your perchina.

26 May

I mean, if you want an easy hook-up, take the easy hookup. And perhaps this spur of the moment, no planning or alcohol needed booty call is exactly what the doctor ordered! I’ve never been a girl to shoot another down when it comes to making reality out of sexual fantasy.  However be cautious to not let too many star penises get sucked into the blackhole of a perchina you’ve got there. Not because you shouldn’t be getting ass all the time, but that’s what a boyfriend is for and you don’t want to delve into that whole mess of a universe. Ugh, relationships. I’m getting off track.

In this whole movie situation chances are he either is too shy to make a real move and buy you a fucking dinner or he thinks your an easy lay and doesn’t want to waste money on dinner anyways. Times are tough in this economy people! If it weren’t for an inexpensive monthly payment movie alternative, some people would never get laid! Movie-togetherness time makes it so easy for attempts at baby making. Think of the ideal situation for you to pleasure one another: lights are dim, but not off (you still have to be able to check to see if the other person is up to your level of attraction and oh uh yeah to check them for ticks and rashes), a secluded room with some sensual music tuning out all the squishing noises. Now, what is the room like when you watch a movie alone together?? The movie creates the background music while creating the perfect amount of shifting light for you to check the other person out while still not worrying about your potential (but not likely) flaws. It’s the warm front to a perfect storm.

There was once a boy in my dormitory. We had been talking, you know, talking for a few weeks but nothing had come of it. Maybe the little shit couldn’t afford dinner. But he had visited me at work and diligently texted me. When he asked me to do the movie thing alone in his dorm with the lights off and the door locked, no romance happened but a lot of kissing and maybe some heavy rubbing. I say no romance because we were both just trying to get our own nut. That is not how good hookups happen. It seemed so…how you say…forced? I blame the situation. We felt that since we were watching a movie alone together we might as well be going at it. I swiftly changed my mind when I found out that he thought my clit was somewhere between my knee and panty line. Not even joking.

Now I wonder: If this is how he always hooked up with girls, by making them fall into his little trap, then how could he not learn how to please a woman? Oh yeah, probably because he doesn’t care enough to take her on a real date. If he can’t even do that, then how will he respectfully apply the proper lube??

So take it or leave it, but just know that you will be hooking up if there was any amount of flirting between the two of you beforehand.