Tag Archives: perchina

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.


Rule #26: The bro code is bogus.

5 Jun

Perhaps I am inadvertently discrediting my own current blog, but I had an experience this weekend to show how bogus the bro code is when bros can’t even properly decode a situation where a woman is involved. These rules in the letters to my eggs, however, are already bogus because my eggs will never read them. I recently had an experience where the bro code was even more highly violated by enforcing the bro code; proving it’s inefficiency.

There was once this coworker of mine who I got along with nicely. I would even go as far as to say that he was my first friend at my new job, but I was not interested. He was nice, but frankly, overwhelming and obnoxious; therefore lonely. Since you can’t drink when you’re bartending and bar cherries, pickles and olives just cannot sustain a human diet, I have been known to drink a virgin Bloody Mary for dinner. Something about the zest fills me up like a Latino penis. Anyways, I would like to make it as obvious as possible that my drink is a virgin because virgin jokes are quite becoming. Lots of jokes run around about this: Vivian is eating the virgin again. Vivian has never sucked a virgin so quickly. Vivian is as virgin as her drink isn’t.

Anyways, somehow this translated into lonely bartender asking about how my virgin Bloody Mary’s dating life was. I answer with the most obvious answer: Obviously not great; still a virgin. Somehow he thought that that meant I was still a virgin. I don’t even understand how men think that that is sexy. There is nothing attractive to me about an inexperienced bed-mate who probably knows nothing more than to thrust rapidly or lay there like a dead starfish. Anyways, after his shift when he got wasted, he brought up the idea of my drink being a virgin again. I didn’t think it was possible for there to be more jokes about me/drink being a virgin. But this wasn’t a joke. He offered to change my joke of a virginity status by asking me out on a date. I say nay nay because he was obnoxious and now wasted.

Meanwhile, I was feeding shots to this hottie tottie slut in a red dress. If you wear a red dress to the bars on a Tuesday, you’re begging to be fucked. There was the fact of the dress, and that she was begging to be fucked. Almost immediately after lonely bartender had asked me out, she went and started grinding on him. She was sexy and he was wasted, so no judgement was made on my part. It was a busy night so I further occupied myself with the less creepy customers who actually tipped. What happened next I only caught glimpses of from my peripheral.

Apparently, slutty red dress had gone up to one of the sober bouncers and purposely knocked a drink out of his hands. They both looked at it and she says “I’ll get it.” She literally did the bend and snap. The cup came up cupping her C-cups with her ass on his weenie. You go girl! The bouncer said that he would have totally gotten her number, except that lonely bartender was already taking her home to fuck her.

BRO CODE VIOLATION! By the bouncer telling me this story, he may have allowed for one night of fucking, but he definitely ruined all chances of lonely bartender to hit it with me on the regular.

Why the bro code is a failure is because too many bros know about the bro code and insist on bragging about it. With girls, it is more of an unspoken code. We must be respectful of each other and our prerogatives. Slutty red dress was trying to get her pussy wet and I wasn’t about to stop her.

Rule #18: If a guy asks you to watch a movie alone, expect only to watch your self-respect drain out of your perchina.

26 May

I mean, if you want an easy hook-up, take the easy hookup. And perhaps this spur of the moment, no planning or alcohol needed booty call is exactly what the doctor ordered! I’ve never been a girl to shoot another down when it comes to making reality out of sexual fantasy.  However be cautious to not let too many star penises get sucked into the blackhole of a perchina you’ve got there. Not because you shouldn’t be getting ass all the time, but that’s what a boyfriend is for and you don’t want to delve into that whole mess of a universe. Ugh, relationships. I’m getting off track.

In this whole movie situation chances are he either is too shy to make a real move and buy you a fucking dinner or he thinks your an easy lay and doesn’t want to waste money on dinner anyways. Times are tough in this economy people! If it weren’t for an inexpensive monthly payment movie alternative, some people would never get laid! Movie-togetherness time makes it so easy for attempts at baby making. Think of the ideal situation for you to pleasure one another: lights are dim, but not off (you still have to be able to check to see if the other person is up to your level of attraction and oh uh yeah to check them for ticks and rashes), a secluded room with some sensual music tuning out all the squishing noises. Now, what is the room like when you watch a movie alone together?? The movie creates the background music while creating the perfect amount of shifting light for you to check the other person out while still not worrying about your potential (but not likely) flaws. It’s the warm front to a perfect storm.

There was once a boy in my dormitory. We had been talking, you know, talking for a few weeks but nothing had come of it. Maybe the little shit couldn’t afford dinner. But he had visited me at work and diligently texted me. When he asked me to do the movie thing alone in his dorm with the lights off and the door locked, no romance happened but a lot of kissing and maybe some heavy rubbing. I say no romance because we were both just trying to get our own nut. That is not how good hookups happen. It seemed so…how you say…forced? I blame the situation. We felt that since we were watching a movie alone together we might as well be going at it. I swiftly changed my mind when I found out that he thought my clit was somewhere between my knee and panty line. Not even joking.

Now I wonder: If this is how he always hooked up with girls, by making them fall into his little trap, then how could he not learn how to please a woman? Oh yeah, probably because he doesn’t care enough to take her on a real date. If he can’t even do that, then how will he respectfully apply the proper lube??

So take it or leave it, but just know that you will be hooking up if there was any amount of flirting between the two of you beforehand.