Tag Archives: sadness

Rule #28: If all of your friends tell you to leave him, do it.

13 Jun

If just one of your friends is hell bent on breaking the two of you up, she either wants you all to herself or she’s fucking him. Be wary of these backstabbing father fuckers.

We’ve all been there. Been in that type of blissful love where you are completely unaware that the boy can shit anything other than 24 karats. If the guy is shitting gold, chances are he’s not eating right. Either way, something is off. Granted, every once and a while Mr. Perfect comes along. If that’s the case, then bravo Cinderella and I wish you many years of encore.

Maybe your boyfriend is a scrub that doesn’t have a car and needs you to drive him everywhere and buy him things. If this is the case, your friends should be telling you to dump his ass. If they aren’t then they’re in as much denial as you are.

The worst type of relationship is that one where you have to lie to yourself about how wonderful it is. You’re constantly telling yourself that things might be bad now, but at least they’re getting better. WRONG! There is no way that you can change someone. By the time an adult hits the full grown age of 22 or somewhere around there, do you really expect them to change into the ideal person that you want them to be? Heck no. Would a dragonfly ever devolve into it’s nymph stage? Heck No. Once you’re a real person, you’ve pretty much become the person that you are going to be for all eternity and there is really no one who would change that. Once someone is stuck in their scrubbish ways and he has mastered the ways of manipulation to get favors, things and in your pants. If you’re dating that scrub, there is little chance that all of a sudden he’ll decide to turn his life around and become a doctor. When you’re still riding this bliss of this fantasy life, start listening to your friends.

I once knew a girl who somehow got emotionally entangled with this white piece of baby daddy trailer trash. I’ve seen some wonderfully constructed trailers in my day, but he was not living in one of them. The one time she invited me to his “house” to indulge in some underage drinking, his roommates were literally playing darts with knives and some chick gave me a cigarette burn as a baby was crying in the next room. I don’t know about you, but this is not exactly my ideal habitat. But somehow, my friend was in love with the slum of the slums. For three years this poor girl ignored my warnings of his crumminess (antonym: yuminess) and waited until the baby mama pushed her down a flight of stairs. This girl did not even suspect her trip. And even after this disaster, she begged him to take her back. I just don’t understand why beautiful women subject themselves to so much unnecessary trauma.

You’re friends are there for a reason. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t be your friends and they would let you date the trash accumulating in the gutters of America. But no, your friends want the best for you because there is that mutual respect that you also want the best for them. When you don’t listen to your friends advice, especially when they are honestly telling you off with your best interest at heart, you’re basically ignoring every premise of a decent relationship. Girls never want to see other girls unhappy because we are typically so empathetic that we don’t want to see ourselves in the shitty relationship as well. No girl should have so suffer.

Us ladies are all looking out for the best things to happen for the ladies because honestly, we deserve better than the slums of the earth.

Rule #17: If you must do the ugly girl cry, like masterbating, it must be done alone.

26 May

The shower is another acceptable place to ugly girl cry (and pee!). Feeling those salty tears and watery snot wash away down the drain only gives me more comfort that no one will see me or notice my makeup’s smudged from tears. This cry does not happen often and towards men, it is a weapon of mass destruction. For you to fully understand what ugly girl cry I am talking about, I’ll write up a Webster for you:

Ugly Girl Cry: This cry is a cry so emotionally murderous that it cannot be contained. They eyes turn beet red and sometimes swell to the point of resembling a crack in the nut of a pistachio. Very tiny eyes. Imagine cutting open a tomato. Now the nose becomes it’s own submerging island of watery snotsickles. Snot drips out of the nose making icicles like a Canadian rooftop despite the mountain of tissues building in the girl’s lap. This is a never ending flow and I don’t even want to get into what happens when tissues run out. The mouth becomes a gaping volcano of emotion. Place your bottom lip directly behind your top teeth and inhale rapidly in hyperventilative gasps; the noise should sound like a repetitive “FAFAFAFAFA” or the clipping of a baseball card on a bike spoke. You should feel constraint around your throat if you’re doing it right. Breaths are loud, trivial and usually unsuccessful, which is why this cry usually causes hiccups or yawning.

One reason that you want to do this miserable cry in private is because you will not be able to formulate words, much less a sentence. When you are pathetically wailing and cannot even explain yourself, it leaves everyone around you with a feeling of extreme confusion. If you can’t explain yourself, then how in the world are they supposed to comfort you? It’s hard enough to comfort someone who is victim to the crash-coarse of fate and you know why they’re crying. But with the ugly girl cry, they won’t know whether to leave you alone or comfort you so they just stay in the corner and stare to make sure you don’t do anything drastic. This will not help the solution. The last thing you need when you ugly girl cry is people staring. They’ll probably take pictures and post it on Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Who knew that a nose could create that much snot??

Also, this cry is poison for men. Maybe it will make them sit around and listen to you for a while, but the second they leave, they’re just going to talk to their friends about how this crazy woman did the ugly girl cry so now he has to go pick up sluts at the bar.

On second thought, if he’s extremely attractive, do the ugly cry and send him to go pick me up at the bar. Thank you readers!