Tag Archives: shower

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.


Rule #17: If you must do the ugly girl cry, like masterbating, it must be done alone.

26 May

The shower is another acceptable place to ugly girl cry (and pee!). Feeling those salty tears and watery snot wash away down the drain only gives me more comfort that no one will see me or notice my makeup’s smudged from tears. This cry does not happen often and towards men, it is a weapon of mass destruction. For you to fully understand what ugly girl cry I am talking about, I’ll write up a Webster for you:

Ugly Girl Cry: This cry is a cry so emotionally murderous that it cannot be contained. They eyes turn beet red and sometimes swell to the point of resembling a crack in the nut of a pistachio. Very tiny eyes. Imagine cutting open a tomato. Now the nose becomes it’s own submerging island of watery snotsickles. Snot drips out of the nose making icicles like a Canadian rooftop despite the mountain of tissues building in the girl’s lap. This is a never ending flow and I don’t even want to get into what happens when tissues run out. The mouth becomes a gaping volcano of emotion. Place your bottom lip directly behind your top teeth and inhale rapidly in hyperventilative gasps; the noise should sound like a repetitive “FAFAFAFAFA” or the clipping of a baseball card on a bike spoke. You should feel constraint around your throat if you’re doing it right. Breaths are loud, trivial and usually unsuccessful, which is why this cry usually causes hiccups or yawning.

One reason that you want to do this miserable cry in private is because you will not be able to formulate words, much less a sentence. When you are pathetically wailing and cannot even explain yourself, it leaves everyone around you with a feeling of extreme confusion. If you can’t explain yourself, then how in the world are they supposed to comfort you? It’s hard enough to comfort someone who is victim to the crash-coarse of fate and you know why they’re crying. But with the ugly girl cry, they won’t know whether to leave you alone or comfort you so they just stay in the corner and stare to make sure you don’t do anything drastic. This will not help the solution. The last thing you need when you ugly girl cry is people staring. They’ll probably take pictures and post it on Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Who knew that a nose could create that much snot??

Also, this cry is poison for men. Maybe it will make them sit around and listen to you for a while, but the second they leave, they’re just going to talk to their friends about how this crazy woman did the ugly girl cry so now he has to go pick up sluts at the bar.

On second thought, if he’s extremely attractive, do the ugly cry and send him to go pick me up at the bar. Thank you readers!