Tag Archives: tears

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

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Rule #25: The two things you need at every wedding are tissues and a bottle.

3 Jun

You never know when tears will flow, so the best method is to try and hide your real emotions behind some whiskey breath. Now, if you are single as I will be eternally, weddings are a thorough reminder of how I should just go buy some cats, floral curtains and knit until I die at a ripe old crazy age. Now please, hold back on the booze bottle until after the ceremony. Drunkenness at ceremonies usually ends up with reckless pouting and perhaps a scream to end the wedding because you’re still in love with the groom. I wasn’t even in love with the groom.

The main point of every wedding, for the single ladies anyways, is to hookup with the groomsmen. Everyone has been reminded about how beautiful true love is, especially when you’re single. It’s like being hungry and seeing a flame broiled burger. You just want your cut of the action, so step up and follow this fool proof plan into faking love for one night.

Step 1: Look awesome. Wear a big hat. Don’t cry excessively at the ceremony because that’s where men do their initial scoping of all the single ladies, you need to look good and stand out to beat all of those other bitches to the sexiest single man standing on the alter. So use your tissues to blot your eyes before they leak and mess up your make up. Smile at the bride, remember after all, it’s her day and you just have a side mission. Besides, when she walks past you, that’s when all the fellas will be looking your way so you want to distract those horny men from the bride’s flawlessness with your pearly whites. Let them look.

Step 2: An open keg sometimes is not enough, so bring your own bottle. Keep it in your car. Location is key. Some people do the flask thing, but that is so last century. A flask means that you are drinking solo. But if the booze is in your car, then at least you can invite others to your car to drink with as a big group of single hornballs. It’s mating season and booze makes your feathers look brighter. Specifically, you should invite the groomsman that you’ve been eying because every groomsman is going to do everything in his power to get regally trashed. He will use you for your booze and then for your boobies. You get some alone time with zee sexy one and get to get your buzz on; it’s a win-win. If you really want some bonus points, make sure to get a manly liquor like Maker’s Mark or Jim Beam. Men seem to get impressed with manly liquor. He can even share some with his mom if you want more bonus points! Mommy points cannot be replaced or replicated by any swagger or form of courtship.

Step 3: Catch the bouquet, it’s a great conversation piece.

If all goes well, make sure that you booked a cheap hotel room.

Rule #17: If you must do the ugly girl cry, like masterbating, it must be done alone.

26 May

The shower is another acceptable place to ugly girl cry (and pee!). Feeling those salty tears and watery snot wash away down the drain only gives me more comfort that no one will see me or notice my makeup’s smudged from tears. This cry does not happen often and towards men, it is a weapon of mass destruction. For you to fully understand what ugly girl cry I am talking about, I’ll write up a Webster for you:

Ugly Girl Cry: This cry is a cry so emotionally murderous that it cannot be contained. They eyes turn beet red and sometimes swell to the point of resembling a crack in the nut of a pistachio. Very tiny eyes. Imagine cutting open a tomato. Now the nose becomes it’s own submerging island of watery snotsickles. Snot drips out of the nose making icicles like a Canadian rooftop despite the mountain of tissues building in the girl’s lap. This is a never ending flow and I don’t even want to get into what happens when tissues run out. The mouth becomes a gaping volcano of emotion. Place your bottom lip directly behind your top teeth and inhale rapidly in hyperventilative gasps; the noise should sound like a repetitive “FAFAFAFAFA” or the clipping of a baseball card on a bike spoke. You should feel constraint around your throat if you’re doing it right. Breaths are loud, trivial and usually unsuccessful, which is why this cry usually causes hiccups or yawning.

One reason that you want to do this miserable cry in private is because you will not be able to formulate words, much less a sentence. When you are pathetically wailing and cannot even explain yourself, it leaves everyone around you with a feeling of extreme confusion. If you can’t explain yourself, then how in the world are they supposed to comfort you? It’s hard enough to comfort someone who is victim to the crash-coarse of fate and you know why they’re crying. But with the ugly girl cry, they won’t know whether to leave you alone or comfort you so they just stay in the corner and stare to make sure you don’t do anything drastic. This will not help the solution. The last thing you need when you ugly girl cry is people staring. They’ll probably take pictures and post it on Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Who knew that a nose could create that much snot??

Also, this cry is poison for men. Maybe it will make them sit around and listen to you for a while, but the second they leave, they’re just going to talk to their friends about how this crazy woman did the ugly girl cry so now he has to go pick up sluts at the bar.

On second thought, if he’s extremely attractive, do the ugly cry and send him to go pick me up at the bar. Thank you readers!

Rule #16: Whiskey heals all wounds.

26 May

But seriously it’s a great disinfectant.

Ohhh you thought that I meant emotional wounds. Sure that can work too.

Some people say that time heals all wounds, and I’m sure that it does, but what makes time go faster? BOOZE. Whiskey just happens to be mine of choice. Rum and Vodka are also good choices. But not tequila, tequila is a horrid choice unless if you want to immediately black out, take off all your clothes, eat an entire pizza in an alley and then get taken home by a cop car (maybe that’s just me). 

A few of my friends call the experience of a blackout “time travel” because one second you are sitting (alone?) with a beer in your hand and the next second you’re waking up in the future. So really, if time heals all wounds and then whiskey has a tendency to make you fast forward through time, then theoretically, whiskey heals all wounds.

After a breakup, the only thing that you need is to stop thinking about the other person. This wonderful mind clearing technique that I call Jim Beam on the rocks will cure most emotional pain with few side effects: headache, sensitivity to noise and light and children, tendency to overeat and regret. Just make sure that when you go out, you keep your mind occupied with things other than how much you miss your ex. Play darts or make out with some random on the dance floor. Whatever you do, do not think about your ex. Whiskey also has the tendency to make you want to cry.=, but you do not want to get caught doing the “ugly girl cry” at a bar somewhere (see Rule #17). The ugly girl cry is the exact opposite of the emotionally stable person that you are trying to be.

Withholding the fact that you might become an alcoholic, this whiskey cure usually works for most emotional pain.