Tag Archives: ugly girl cry

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:


That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.


Rule #16: Whiskey heals all wounds.

26 May

But seriously it’s a great disinfectant.

Ohhh you thought that I meant emotional wounds. Sure that can work too.

Some people say that time heals all wounds, and I’m sure that it does, but what makes time go faster? BOOZE. Whiskey just happens to be mine of choice. Rum and Vodka are also good choices. But not tequila, tequila is a horrid choice unless if you want to immediately black out, take off all your clothes, eat an entire pizza in an alley and then get taken home by a cop car (maybe that’s just me). 

A few of my friends call the experience of a blackout “time travel” because one second you are sitting (alone?) with a beer in your hand and the next second you’re waking up in the future. So really, if time heals all wounds and then whiskey has a tendency to make you fast forward through time, then theoretically, whiskey heals all wounds.

After a breakup, the only thing that you need is to stop thinking about the other person. This wonderful mind clearing technique that I call Jim Beam on the rocks will cure most emotional pain with few side effects: headache, sensitivity to noise and light and children, tendency to overeat and regret. Just make sure that when you go out, you keep your mind occupied with things other than how much you miss your ex. Play darts or make out with some random on the dance floor. Whatever you do, do not think about your ex. Whiskey also has the tendency to make you want to cry.=, but you do not want to get caught doing the “ugly girl cry” at a bar somewhere (see Rule #17). The ugly girl cry is the exact opposite of the emotionally stable person that you are trying to be.

Withholding the fact that you might become an alcoholic, this whiskey cure usually works for most emotional pain.