Tag Archives: usher

Rule #27: Ugly Girls Masterbate.

12 Jun

Because all girls masturbate.

Since that first N*SYNC video that gave you the tingles to seeing that beautiful underage man take his shirt off and like his lips we’ve all been itching to rub our junk on the nearest piece of furniture. Don’t even try hiding that you did it. Usher’s 8701 was playing in your bedroom alone when I first felt those tingles. What? Usher, I remind you of a girl that you once knew? Fine, I’ll discover my clit. I even remember this lonely little girl that would sit on her foot in her second grade classroom and jump around on it. I had no idea why the teacher was constantly getting on her case about this heavy rubbing business and thought it was a far graver mistake to pick your nose with a pencil eraser as Kevin next to me would do all day.

But I’ll hand out my dosage of honesty here. I had no idea that I was flicking the bean until my Best Friend was wasted one night and ranting and raving about how playing finger tennis is her best form of exercise. She had never had such a wonderful time alone as when she’s flapping those butterfly wings. It’s like fun abstinence!! Sometimes letting the dam loose by yourself gets the flowers watered much better than any man could. Sometimes thinking of innuendos for folding the linens is much more fun than taking down the mini tent. Once one girl admits her crime of rebuilding London’s bridge, then the door is opened to so many other conversations, such as this one I found on Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masturbation%20for%20girls

That girl was strange and maybe should keep her water fetishes between her thighs, but whatever gets the job done! Heck, I might even try that tonight…no. Now. Brb.

Didn’t really work. One of the many reasons that us girls have to man up and talk about how we jelly our beans. The vagina is a very complex machine with gears and doohickies flopping around every which way. There is no way that a man is going to uncover the mysteries of this machine if the machine owner is not willing to give it a test drive. Every single perchina is different, which is exactly why every woman must frost her cupcake. It’s so sad that we don’t talk about it! How in the world are we going to figure out the tricks of the trade if my girlfriends won’t even talk to me about how they fluff their pussy? How are we going to screw the driver? How in the world will that cat get let out???

So ladies, have some confidence. Open that discussion. Make things happen for yourself and things will be so much better for yourself by yourself.

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Rule #23: Only offer a threesome if you are fully aware of the consequences.

29 May

I have a personal rule that I will never offer up a threesome unless if I am the third stranger. You don’t want to deal with being jealous that the guy likes the other girl more or trying to deal with two wieners. That’s a lot of wiener. But we can debate the logistics of the ideal threesome later. This post will be delving in on the idea of offering a threesome when you are not ready. Be cautious in this situation because once a man hears the possibility of a threesome, he will stop at nothing to get his cock doubly pounded.

My girls and I had planned a double birthday party with hotel and VIP section at an exclusive club. Needless to say, we got drunker than the Irish on St. Patty’s Day. We’re at the club and for some reason the best looking guy there was a promoter so I figured that that would be a fairly safe bet to get a phone number and perhaps a date the following day. Apparently club promoters are paid to flirt with the ladies so I shamelessly flirted. Except my slutty friend flirted, too. I don’t blame her because the boy looked like Usher. Somewhere between free shots of Grey Goose from the promoter and my Best Friend singing “Confessions Pt. 2” about nine times, yes to his face, the subject of threesomes was brought up. I blame it on the fact that my slutty friend and I were both fondling him from opposite sides. We’re not the type of girl to fight over a man, so I guess we were fine with sharing. At least when we were drunk. I’ll be perfectly honest and say that I don’t remember the entire conversation on how the threesome came about, but even if the conversation didn’t happen, the idea was enforced by our actions.

The VIP section at this club was not necessarily designed for the type of dancing that we wanted to do, so we decided to jet. We danced all night and went back to the hotel to gorge ourselves on pizza. This was a girls only event. Go ahead, picture girls in panties jumping around and flinging pillows at each other with mounds of pizza rolling off of our jaws. Slobbery slices of pizza. As I was passing out, I received a text that said “threesome” from a “Rover.” I guess the promoter’s name was Rover…so much for Usher. I was obviously not prepared to follow through on the threesome, especially not with my slutty friend (even though she is awfully sexy, I don’t think I would be able to please her womanly needs) so I fell asleep. My Best Friend, however, thought that I was ready. She called him and drunkenly ranted “I would totally have a threesome with you! I want your BBC in every orifice I own and my friend’s! Come over! We’re at the Hilton! Just come down to the lobby and I’ll come and get you.” Rover thought that was my voice talking. When he called back, my best friend wakes me up to tell me that Rover was downstairs waiting for me. Sleep or awkward late night, stinky pizza drunk sex. I didn’t really have an option since my automatic response to liquor past 4am is to pass out and that I did.

So now, due to my unconventional methods of offering a threesome, I can no longer have amazing single partner sex with an Usher lookalike neither can I get free shots of Goose. If anything, I’d take the Goose because I can always flick the bean to the real Usher.